Why is love something I long for so badly?
It brings heart break, and feelings I know I would rather stay away from.
It seems to be more fight and tears than happiness anyway.
So why do I care?
Why do I long for it to find me?
Why is it though that every time I think I have found it, it goes away?
Everytime I finally let myself go, everytime I fully let someone into my heart, they just disapear.
I just want to feel worth something, it doesn't have to even be labeled love,
I just want someone to care about me, and to show it with their actions and their words.
My actions never show my feelings,
when I try to do good, only bad gets taken from it.
It just sucks so bad to care for someone so much,
yet to have them tell you you don't give a shit at all about them at all.
I really am not a bad person,
I just know what I want. Thats the problem though.
When you have what you want pinned down to a T,
its easy to get frustrated and leave when your not seeing what you want in front of you.
They say love takes work,
but how much more work can I put in?
Times running out for the first time ever and its scaring the hell out of me.
I fear I really have lost my chance at this.
Does it matter? Some times I wonder why I really care.
I need commitment and someone to make me feel like I'm the only one who matters.
I need someone to tell me how they feel. Ive never been good at guessing games.
I'm stubborn, jealous and indesive.
He has always hated me for that.
If it was love wouldn't he love me for that?
Fuck I just don't know anymore.
I think about all of this,
and I think of how badly I want to be in love again,
but at the same time I cant do it.
Nothings the same after what I have gone through this summer.
I have so many thoughts going through my head, and so many things I wish I could get out so badly.
The only problem seems to be that no one knows the whole entire story of my life.
I cant make any one understand what I'm going through because I haven't let any one into to my life completely.
I guess its just fear of their thoughts after they hear everything.
Every things a mess but its done.
Nothing can get worse,
its just up to me to make it better.
And thats what I'm going to do.
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7 comments:
ok sweetheart, let me be blunt: you need severe help. You are a wonderful girl with a very shredded heart and you aren't doing anything to stop it. Believe me, I know more about your life and the things you've done than you think. I am so willing to listen and to help you but you are the only person who can actually fix your problem. And it is a problem. a severe problem. You want love? It's not found in a bed. It is only found there after marriage, marriage built on and directed by Jesus. You are smart, erika, you know what Jesus has directed us to do. YOU are NOT supposed to be in control but you have taken control of your life. You have shut Jesus out and where has it gotten you? heart broken and desiring love. Love is first found in truth. It is first found in loving yourself and that cannot happen without Jesus being your definition. Not your hair, not your clothes, not your success in school because when you die, those things are not coming with you. When you die, you will stand in front of Jesus and be judged. If that doesn't scare the crap out of you, I don't know what will. I am being really judgmental, aren't I? I'm sorry. But I have watched you do this time and time again for the last 4 years and I am tired of you being hurt and hiding it from the rest of us.
We need to have coffee.
i agree with Molly. but I have been a hypocrit and give you what I think is good advice and then i turn around and call you names and get angry. well I wish I could control that, but ties need to be severed first. my point is what I say is better than what i do. I hope your sorrow becomes the fuel you need to devote your life to the Lord, He wants you and will complete you if you left Him. He loves you more than anyone else ever could. He is supposed to fill that empitness you have.
I was with Molly when she wrote that comment. As she wrote it, I sat in silence and read every word. I think I need to take her advice, too, but I couldn't bring myself to admit it. I don't know if it helps knowing that you aren't the only person feeling this way, but I hope it does, Erika. <3
And P.S. you're only 18 and even if things that have recently happened in your life seemed to have proven otherwise you have so much more of a life yet to live.
"Further, I say you are likely to be improved by me, whereas the lover will spoil you."
don't you hate anonymous comments? :) It's like, WHO ARE YOU!?!?! :)
haha yeah, i like when people elave names!
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