im taking a stab in the dark;

and letting him go. its for the better I think.
really, he did not even seem to mind when I told him.

Ive had an amazing weekend.
I realized a lot of things while experiencing it too.
I'm beyond happy now.
I really think this time around might be different eventually.
I need a nice guy who will be supportive and who will always be there caring for me.
I know I'm leaving for college come September, but I'm just not going to think about it.
Heres to an amazing summer on its way.
its time and Im ready.
because I think Ive found someone I can care for, who will care right back.
all in due time.
I hope.

ive decided;

ive all most reached my limit.
i am annoyed and have no tolerance for your lack of emotions and actions.
care? better start acting like it because honestly,
i cant handle much of this. your friend who you hardly even like gives me more attention,
and acts like they care more than you sometimes.

ugh;

today is not so great.
kinda got ditched for golfing and fishing,
and then found out tristen is thinking of moving to Cali.
but no worries, its not suppose to worry me.


im just grumpy.
tired from work,
and now have nothing to do all night.
I dont know. Latly I have just been wanting something that I cant seem to grasp hold of.
I mean, what girl does not want to fall in love, but honestly thats all I want.
I want to be head over heals in love with someone.
I want to feel the mutual feelings that come from an amazing relationship.
I just cant find that right now, its like its lost somewhere. I hate it.
I know you cant just find something like that,
but Im so tired of trying and failing.
I always get fucked over and I know its because I am to trusting, hopeful and gullible.
Its the only way I know how to be though.
Is this going to be another failure?
Im positive you dont read this sir, but if by chance you do sometime,
give me some hope please. I could really use it.

Where is the love?

Life is to short to be negative all the time.
From now on I am going to try my hardest to be happy with what I have.
I am so blessed to be where I am in life right now.
I have amazing friends and loving family, and a promising future.

I am going to make sure that this is the best summer ever.
I allready know its going to be.
Im done sitting around and being bored.
I am going to do shit, I love going on adventures.
I have friends who will go on them with me for sure,
so here we go.


bahh, i have so much in my head i wish i could put into words.
I have thought about so much stuff this weekend, but its indescribable right now.
I had a good weekend though.
Spent thursday till today in Levenworth with Tristen and his friends.
His buddy got married.
The weekend had its share of akward moments but Im really glad I went.
Once i stoped being so worried and quiet, I had aot of fun. He has nice friends.

Since I dont know what to say, goodnight.

things have been decent;

I got a job at Sunny Day Espresso. Im stoked about that to the extreme haha.
Ive wanted to work there for awhile. Try since sophomore year. So that was nice.
Schools dunzo. Grades were not so hot this semester. No bueno.
Ive got a certain someone back in my life, and I could not be happier.
Things are just chill, if someone would through some nice weather this direction I would be much happier lol.
Im neutral feeling right now, thats not so bad though.
Im headed to Moses Lake tomorrow for someones wedding. Ill be back Sunday.
I hope its fun:)

you terrify me;

Really.
Every thing about you, and or involving you scares the hell out of me.
Most of the time its good, but seriously, its pure insanity.
I hate not knowing whats on your mind, your actions vary by hour sometimes.
I don't know what you want and I wish I did.
All I know is I feel like I'm just chilling out on a limb by myself from time to time.
I love you. You will never know. You will honestly never know.
I don't think I even fully understand what I might have lost,
I hope I did not loose you the way I think I might have.
But you know, I would not be surprised if I did.
You make me feel completely invincible.
and I feel so helpless.

<3
thank you for making me realize everything.

yikes;

you all make me want to scream.
when i say you all I guess I only mean 3 or 4 people.
but seriously.

where do you get off ignoring me after you are the one that made me swear id text YOU later. That makes no since, and i just want to forget about it, yet its all that keeps coming up in my mind.

what makes you think its cool to treat me like shit? Do you expect me to stick around much longer if you keep this up? Because I wont. Big whoop you have a girlfriend, friends don't treat each other like this. If you want one, act like one.

How could you just stop talking to me after things were the way they were, how could you do the things you did, and treat me like you did, and then just stop it all together one day? Im so hurt and frustrated with you. Not to mention done.

People who date see each other more than twice in two weeks. Its just a given. Did we miss that memo somewhere. Seems to me we did. hmmm......

and you, you treat me one way one day, and the change it up the next. I know i fucked up in the past, but this is now, these are my feelings, please, act accordingly. I need you, and my hope is that you need me too. I dont want to play games anymore.


i just want to cry and give up right now.
where are the nice guys who want relationships?
where are the loving friends to stick by my side?
more importantly, where is the happiness i felt a few days ago?

its time;

Driving to school today for some reason made me thing alot about things.
I actually thought to the point that I came to the most extreme realization ever.
I found the things that mean the world to me.

Its the little things that matter;
walks in the rain and wearing giant coats,
making silly faces,
dancing on the side of the road at night to made up rap music,
being taught not to care what other people are thinking,
being pirates and princesses,
climbing into an abandoned house,
going on random adventures all the time,
climbing water towers and sitting in tractors,
making out but laughing while doing so and not taking it seriously,
literally having your breath taken away,
someone driving all night and morning on no sleep, taking stay awake pills, just so see you when they said they would,
being told you look classy when you smoke haha,
walking around downtown oly countless times and sitting in the same spot every time,
feeling like its always the first date,
hiding in portapoties and scaring people when they open the door to use them,
driving back from wild waves,
having rough times, but always coming back to each other,
being in the best company you could possibly have and feeling invincible,
having that one person in your life who makes you feel invincible.

I could go on forever, the fact of the matter is I realized today the most important thing I have realized in probably all of my life;
I have spent the past few years of my life wanting nothing other than to grow up,
when in all reality what I honestly needed and wanted deep down was to be immature.
I need to be a kid, I need to be immature, and I need to have fun.
I can grow up some other time.
Now I am going to be fully happy with what I have.
No more always looking for something different.
I'm going to enjoy the moments and take everything away from them that I can.
I can just be truly happy, and its going to happen.
Thank god I finally realized it.

sometimes;

I wonder if its truly happiness,
or just some false ideas of somethings that are not so good after all.

im terrified for the first time in awhile....

one of these days I should learn to be happy on my own,
because the people that make me happy never seem to stay around that long.

what can you do i guess.

holy shit;

i am done with high school.
never again, will I have to deal with anything related to it.
Graduation was unreal last night.
I will never forget the feeling that got rushed through me as I stepped into the pavilion, and walked to my seat.
I honestly have never felt that alive.
It was just an amazing night.
I got to sit next to Molly, and walk with Zack. I could not have asked for it to be any better.
This is the start of a whole new chapter,
and I am deffinatily ready to take on the world.


good night after too.
Hung out with Zack for a few hours,
we did a bunch of really random retarded things.
Being with him makes me way happy, we are goofs haha.
then I went to Nikos,
random but fun for sure.

other than that.
my freaking tattoo hurts like a mother right now.
my whole arm is sore haha

and it finally happened;

These last 2 days I have realized who the people that mean the most to me are.
Doing running start made me loose touch with most of them,
but the second I see them again, its like no time was lost.
I am so proud of all my friends, and who they are becoming.
They are all so beautiful and so tallented and so loving.
I dont know where I would be with out them.
Its insane to think I will be leaving it all behind next year.
I know in my heart though that the ones that really matter I will not loose despite the distance.
This last week so many people have really been stuck in my head.
Molly, Collin, Sada, Elise Patterson, Kaylee, Ariel, Becca, Emily, Sam, the list goes on.
I just miss them, and am so happy I have such amazing friends.

Its been an insane week so far,
and trust me, it will become even more insane once I wake up tomorrow.

I dont get it;

how can I feel un-easy about you all day,
have you not text me once,
and then when you text me now asking for a ride to work tomorrow, not even saying hi.
I just say yes with out a second thought?

its wierd to me. i dont know why.
i dont think your going to screw me over,
yet at the same time I really am scared its going to happen.
please prove me wrong.
I like doing nice things for you.
I just hope its not like all my other experiences.
I have a feeling its not. I just worry alot.

thankfully;

senior ball was hands down amazing.
it was nice getting to see people I had not seen in forever too.
I dont think I have ever had more fun at a dance, it was definitely a nice dance to have be my last.
thats so crazy to think about. I cant believe its all allmost over. no joke.
i graduate in 4 days. AHHHHHH!
it hasnt fully hit me yet. its intense.
i dont have alot to say really because everything has been perfect lately.
i have no complaints.