It will all get better in time;

How do you let someone you care about go, with out them thinking you hate them?
No matter how you let someone go, no matter what you say to them, they will not be happy.
There is no easy way.
Even if its for the better.
No matter how many good, smart, and logical reasons I have, of course they wont be looked at that way from the other side.
I just think that when someones life is so messed up,
and when they literally think they hate them selfs,
they need time on their own. They need time to learn to love them self again.

On my side of things,
I miss my friends, I miss doing well in school.
None of this was working while I was in this relationship.
Im not saying I don't love him or that I don't care,
but I just need to be done.
I need to have my old life back again.
I need to find me. I miss her where ever she went.

I feel like a horrible person doing this, i really do.
I know he felt I was the only good thing in his life,
but it can only be about one person for so long.
I suppressed my feelings for so long,
that I forgot how I really felt.
I just became numb to everything on that side of things.
His family is unfortunate to him I know,
and I know he cant help how things are in his household,
but I can only take so much of it before it becomes my problem as well.

I just feel so miserable.
I would rather be dumped,
or even punched in the face.
I would way rather be the miserable person if it ment he was not.
but I just cant help it this time.

All things get better in time.
and everything, EVERYTHING happens for a reason.

seriously;

I love truth boxes, and I love who ever wrote this.
I swear I will find them, and they will be my best friend ever haha:)

"so. i have this crazy feeling that a lot of people take you for something your not. let me tell you. you are the most amazing person i know. when we first met i thought you were going to be a total bitch, pardon my language lol, but i was COMPLETELY wrong. you find a way to totally go out of your way to be nice to people. we dont know each other that well and we arnt best friends, but right now your friendship and support means more to me than any other thing in my life right now. i wish you could understand the impact youv had on my life. thank you so much for being who you are. please dont ever change. =)))))))))"

you may know;

I do these all the time but I swear they help me get thoughts out of my head haha.
here goes another one! You might know who you are, you might not. And fyi, this is not about one person.

• I would have changed everything for you. If you only could have seen it before it was too late. I think about it every day still. Why?
• I just flat out miss you. I feel like this summer is going to be a good one for us, lets hope my feelings are right. Life is just not right with out you.
• I feel more complete with you back in my life. My feelings never have and never will change. Now I know this for sure.
• I don't know what to do with you most of the time now. I am at a severe anger rising halt. I wish you knew what it felt like.
• I think about you alot, there are always the what ifs and the i wonders, I just want to see you truly happy, next year will be great.
• I wish you would leave me alone, this is becoming borderline harassment.
• The conversation we had the other night, although short, honestly made me feel better about my whole entire life. You have a way of doing that, and that is why I love you more than anything. You are hands down amazing.
• Circumstances suck, could you imagine what things might have been like if they were different? Insane I know. Who knows what the years to come might bring.

My head is a mess of emotions all the time now. Its driving me to insanity I swear. I wish someone knew it all, every little single bit. Then maybe this would not be so bad. Who knows.

haha, im happy currently though, just deep in thought all the time I guess.

id have to agree with ali.

I miss this so much!


i hope something goes down this summer,
i really hate the thought of never having this again!

oh, and PS;

i think status wars on myspace are funny,
and I love my wifeeee<3 haha

whoo!

I got accepted to Central today!!!!!!
it is such a load off my shoulders. I'm really excited.
Its definitely another thing making the end of this year seem so much quicker.
I cant believe its all most here.
Big things coming up;
18th birthday
senior ball
graduation

im stoked!

blah.

I had to get a math toutor.
not to happy about this, but at least maybe I will pass math.
That would be a gerat idea.
Jacob and are are not good right now. Difficulties are horrible.
We are suppose to be working through things, but, I dont know.
Im just frusterated constantly.
Tonight should be decent.
At least I would hope so.

heres an idea;

grow up and get over the fact I text my guy friends.
YOU were the one who lost my trust when I found all those messages you sent other girls, hitting on them might I remind you.
YOU were the one who went to Mexico, didn't talk to me for 4ish days, and then brought home 3 girls numbers and tacked them to your wall.

freaking grow up. I can talk to who ever I want, I can have friends.
im so sick of this shit.

zooo!:D

I went to the Zoo today.
it was wonderful. I love going random places with Zack.
No matter what we do it always ends up being an adventure.

Lately I have been thinking to much about everything.
I tend to over think alot sometimes and I guess its starting back up again.
Sometimes its not such a bad thing, but I feel like normally it is in my case.

During the process of getting my dress for senior ball,
it really began to hit me hard that everything is coming to an end soon.
This is it, and its so weird to me. I have been waiting for this day to come for so long,
but it all just seems so un-real to me. Its crazy.

Back to the senior ball subject, its going to be SWEET.
I want it to be sooner, because im wayyyy excited. haha

"they say what dosent kill us makes us who we are"

Its hard to look back at your past and not want to re-do it all.
Its hard to not regret things, and to not become sad over things that you experienced,
but honestly if it came down to it I would not change a thing, no matter how bad it was in reality.
Every little thing that has happened to me has made me the person I am today,
and Ive come to really like that person to be honest. I'm ok with myself now, and thats nice.
Sometimes I think about my current life,
and I realize I really don't know who I am any more.
Not necessarily in a bad way, but just,
this year has moved so fast I have not even had time to think,
and with it moving so fast I seem to have lost since of who I am.
I don't have the same friends, school, or anything.
Its so weird to me that in a blink of an eye my world became so different.
I cant wait for graduation, but do I really want to leave this town?
Its all Ive known.
Everyone has their fears. To be honest this isn't even a fear
just a realization.

I'm excited,
horrifically excited to bust out of this place, and to start the beginning of my life.
I'm ready to be something.

where did they go?

it sucks so bad to wait for something,
and to want something so bad,
and for it to then be weird once you get it.
im tired of putting effort in.
caring so much, and getting nothing back, not even any effort,
hurts.

this has been such a shitty week.
what happened to the good days?

ugh.

everything is sucky right now.
yesterday would have been Jacobs and I 6 months.
he did not even get online like every other night.
I miss him. so freaking much.

Now Im stuck in Bellingham.
until sunday.
and I have so many things to do that I cant now.

but I did get new shoes for the gym when I get back. whoohoo.
im excited to have a gym membership.


whatever im lonley, annoyed and sad.