oh man do i love

oh man do i love pure happiness at 3 something in the morning! Thats all, good night:)

relief to the extreme.

I spent hours typing in a word document today.
Things that I dont need to post here. way to much.
but honestly, I feel good now knowing what I have to do.
Its for the best, and once its done I can resume my life.
I can stop worring so much.
I think Im getting a handle on life again,
and on my happiness.
and thats a good feeling.

oh the joy is over whelming.

haha. I really love the fact that my family cant have a nice christmas ever.
there is always fighting and anger. its getting so old.
every holiday its something different, something else to yell about.
I guess I just have to be thankful that I have a family at all.
This year I really have come to realise that even though it is hard to loose loved ones,
and to watch loved ones get weaker and weaker,
I just have to thank god that the people that are still here are here.
My uncle loved christmas and I think that if he knew we were all sitting here,
depressed and sad because he was gone,
he would probably be mad.
he loved it so much and us even more, so i know he wants us to be celabrating right now,
not mourning.

merry christmas.

here we go again?

Ok so Im frusterated with the boy to the extreme.
He is so not symphethetic and is extremely immiture. I dont know how long I can take it.
I love him, I really do, and I have no idea ow to even break it off if thats what needs to be done.
It would make me sad and I would miss him like woah.
but seriously.

when my uncle died and I called him crying,
I got a "I'm sorry that sucks...anyway, today this one thing happened....."
and then five minutes later he asked if he could call me back later.
That just made me even more upset.

Its just alot of little things like that that are adding up,
and Im begenning to relise the age difference between us is messing things up.
He is just immiture and does not know how to handle things.
for his age thats understandible.
But I really dont need that right now.
at all.
i dont even know what to do.
boooo. haha

sometimes things just dont seem fair.

My uncle/god father passed away yesterday. Its been really hard for me, because 2 months ago, he was a completely happy and health person. It still hasn't really hit me that he is gone. for good.
every Christmas eve of my life we have gone to their house, and this Christmas, its been canceled, and its going to be so hard not being with everyone. Despite the fact that I know he is in a better place, its still hard. I feel the worst for my cousin though. 2 Christmas ago she was pregnant with triplets. She lost all of them, then divorced her husband, then her childhood best friend committed suicide, and then her new husband to be died, and now her dad dies at only 57. Life just hits hard sometimes I guess. She is the strongest person I know so I know she will be all right. But I still feel bad for her.

Also, the boyfriend and I are not doing so good. He keeps being an ass whole, and he will appologise for it everytime, but its just starting to get old. Im just so confused.

Its just way to cold.

My house is so cold tonight. Im not really sure why either. The heat has been on forever. haha. Well, today was good, after all the drama that happened a few days ago. Luckly Jacob and I are fine. He brought me flowers yesterday:]. NOMT auditions are going to be done after tomorrow and then we start casting the show. Im super excited! I kind of want it to snow. Because now college is out until January so I wont have to worrk about getting there when they dont cancel class even though the road to it from shelton is closed. go figure. lol

its almost christmas! I cant wait....
I started christmas shopping today. But I failed. haha
I bought a hair straightner..for my self. what a successful trip that was.

and, my car is semi broken.
it would not start todayy in oly, leaving me to miss after school auditions.
I had to get a jump start. haha
whoohoo

:)honestly,

this weekend has been basically one of the best ones that I can remember.
Yesterday we had no school and I went to Jacobs at like 9.
and then we had a choir thing at 5:30. we sang for the Christmas tree lighting ceremony. haha
it was FREEZING.
but after that me and molly and Sada and ruby went and watched the play at the high school.
It was amazing. I Laughed so hard.
After the play was over we all went to dennys.
molly Collin Sada Allie and Sam Farr.
it was so wonderful being with all of my friends again!
I had not laughed that hard in such a long time.
Then today I worked. It was not bad.
Basically I got paied to study for my math final. haha
then I went to Mollys and worked on NOMT stuff,
but it turned into just talking
and seriously, I really love that girl.
We have so much fun!
Now im at home.
and I cleaned my room.
It even smells really good! lol
and tomorrow Jacob might come over.
yey for a great weekend!

NOMT Auditions start Monday. oh man am I super stoked.
I can not wait for everything to start up.
Its going to be the best (yet most stressful :]) month EVER!

take a second and notice.

For the final time. Im not a slut.
I have come to find that the people that still think I am one, dont know me at all now.
Sure I have made mistakes in the past,
but that was then.
I have made a turn around.
At the end of this summer I finally found out alittle of who I really was.
I have learned to stand my ground and to just let go and be me.
to not get sucked into the temptations of highschool life.
A slut is someone who messes around with a bunch of people all at once or one right after another.
I have been with Jacob for almost 3 months now,
and have stoped talking to almost all other guys in general.

Im content with myself and my life.
I have the greatest group of friends who I have failed to lean on latley,
but now I see it. I see how lucky I am.
They all love me.
They all dont think Im a slut. Why? because they know I have changed.
They really know me for who I am.
and that is wonderful to me.
Its comforting knowing I have people like that.
But unfortunatly not all the people I want to see,
have seen.
There are still a few that only look at how I was,
and dont even bother to look at me now.
When they look at me now, they just see what I was before.

And I think that I need to let it all go.
I need to stop worrying about what they dont see.
There is nothing I can do about it so why waste my energy on worrying.
I guess its their problem not mine.
I dont need to be drug down when allmost everything is perfect.

The littlest things

I love the little things in life that make you incredibly happy.
I really had the best day today. It was so relieving after a few weeks of constant stress.
Slurpies, Basketball, and hot tubbing.
little things mean the world.
Thats all I have to say I guess,
just that today was just the day I needed!

i hate being needy!

I'm needy all the time lately,
I hate being needy!!!
Its so freaking frustrating. not even kidding you.
oh well I guess.

Its raining again and I really hope that it keeps raining so school gets canceled. haha
seriously though.

not like being at school gains me anything.....
or even anyONE. haha
I crack myself up.



mehhh.

I love the snow.

It's snowing!!!!!!!!
Im so freaking excited.
all though my mother seems to not want me to go anywhere when it snows so we will see. haha
Im yet again sitting at work bored. Today is an allright day I suppose.
Got in another pretty bad fight with the parents that resulted in being 15 minutes late to work.
with red eyes because I cried on the way there. haha
Finals are in the next week or so, next week is going to be insane.
I have the most massive ammounts of math homework ever...
and a psyc presentation on wednesday
NOMT Auditions are monday tuesday and wednesday....
i feel like its finaly here....
and all the planning we have done so far is going to finally be put into action soon.
i cant wait for it to all start!

Latley I have been missing all my friends.
i feel like Im for somereason down to like, 3 people I can talk to about my life...
and actually get support in return.
and I can think of 5 or 6 people...
that I have no idea where they went in my life.
its kind of depressing actually. I just miss it all.
but I guess things cant stay the same forever.
people change and grow up.

I am just ready for College, a fresh start with lots of new people.
its finally starting to hit me how soon it actually is.
I take the A.C.T. the first week or so of feb. and then im shipping my application to central off....
along with whatever other applications I fill out.
I must admit Im quite sad that I cant apply to western.
aparently you have to have taken chemistry in highschool to get in
and I deffinatly did not nor do I want to now. haha
but im going to check up on that.

im such a baby sometimes

I dont know why I suddenly hate partying so much, but I really do.
Icant stand alcohol and what it does to people.
I dont want anything to do with it, yet while I have decided this,
all the people that matter the most to me have decided that its the coolest thing ever.
I am dredding tonight.
Jacobs stupid party has got me so frusterated,
yet who am I to have one word of negitivity to say to it.
I used to drink all the time, but I finally just grew out of the phase.
Hes just still in it. Fuck though. Im so mad.
Im mad I decided not to go. Part of me wants to go there and not drink and to just watch out for people.
But not only can I not get away with being there,
I cant give in to what I allready proteted so much against.
kldjsfhskljhafklf. thats all I have left to say about it really.
Sometimes I just want to cry about it because Im a big baby.
No joke. I really am just a big baby.
why do I get upset over the littlest things.
grrrrrrrr.


im just going to go to the movies tonight and im going to try and not even think about this.
thats what im going to do. ha
bye.

breaking down.

im so tired of everything
at this point I want to just give up.
it seems that every day now, I just get depper and deeper in to this dark place.
there is nothing that I enjoy doing anymore.
All I want to do is sleep.
I dont like to sing anymore,
I dont like driving anymore,
I dont like school,
and I dont like even talking on the phone.
I just want this to all go away.
Im sick of feeling hopeless.
Im so tired of feeling so run down.
I dont have anyone anymore.
and let me tell you. thats the worst feeling ever.
I cant handle being so isolated like this.
I cant handle not having friends.
i dont know how much more of this I can take.
Im going to end up breaking soon....
and I can feel that it is going to be a big big mess.

slow

Things have been pretty busy. School and work and everything keeps me on my feet. lol. This weekend is black lake bible camp, but I had to go to work today and then Ill go back after I get off. I thought it would not be fun this year but I made friends from the board and It has not been bad at all. Im going to go see jacob after I get off work first. I miss him. I feel like I have not seen that much of him at all this past week or so. For somereason I get really insecure every once in awhile with him. Im just afraid he is going to get bored of me or get fed up of all my mood swings. I really need to get everything cheacked out. Medication would really help me out I think, but I mean come on, thats an akward doctors appointment. I just dont like talking about stuff like that.

Work is going so slow. All I have left is to vaccum and mop and change the reader board...and do garbage. But its dumping down rain and I dont want to go stand in it to change the board. oh well. what do I have left...6 more hours. haha. shoot.

fear.

Im scared.
I hate hospitals.
Like literallyhave a phobia of them.
yet here I sit.
I love my uncle so much.
not only is he my uncle, he is my godfather.
We are in seattle sitting in the critical care waiting room.
he was diagnosed with mesa or something like that.
its that crazy untreatable flesh eating disease.
no one will tell me how hes doing.
i wish someone would.
i cant stand not knowing anything.
just pray for him.
thats all.

frusterating life?

I get frustrated really easily and I hate it.
I think thats the thing I hate about myself most.
I keep getting angry at people that I love, and I wish I could stop myself before I get mad...
but I just cant seem to.

Im frustrated right now with Jacob and I's relationship.
I care about him so much.....
but it seems like we only have "good days" on the weekend.
During the week we are just....I dont know.
I hate it.
Things are OK with us,
and he is obviously doing nothing wrong.
Its just my issue. haha
who knows.

registration for winter quarter is tomorrow.
i dont even know what classes i want to take.
boo.

dreary day.

today is such a boring and gray day.
i dont like it. ive been sitting in an office chair since 9 and I am ready to leave!
work has been really slow today.
i had to stamp and address at least 200 post cards.
it sucked. haha. took me 2 and a half hours i think.
after im out of here,
i think that I am going to Jacobs and we are going to go toa movie and dinner,
and then if my mom lets me I am off to Allisons for the night to celebrate haloween.
whoohoo!
so I guess my day will actually start at 5.
one hour to go....

its also nice to know that you have friends that have got your back.
it makes me feel really safe:]

<3
peaceeee. haha

lets get all this off my mind.

1.I miss you more than fucking anything. I don't think you will ever understand how much you mean to me. I know that my actions have not reflected any kind of care at all, but I swear I still mean what I say. I love you. I really do. I'm pretty sure you still have feelings for me, or at least you did not to long ago, and if you still do, I'm sorry if it hurts you that I'm dating Jacob. At least you like him right? lol
2. I feel like things are silently patching up, but I'm always way off when it comes to you. I hope you are starting to not hate me, because your friendship really means the world to me. I miss us...I miss the way things used to be. I know the loss of it was pretty much my fault, but I really am desperately trying to fix things, i swear.
3. You scare me. I don't even know in what way. You have been on my mind alot lately because out of the middle of no where you entered back into my life. I don't think its necessarily bad, I can see us being fine friends, I just hope you don't get your heart in the wrong place, and I hope that nothing gets ruined more and that no one gets hurt again in the process of what ever is taking place.I know you know this, but I will always care for you.
4. You are basically whats holding me together right now. I had no idea what I was getting into when I was introduced to you. I never would have thought things would have come to this, but words can not explain how thankful I am that they did. You are perfection in my eyes at the moment...maybe you yourself are not perfect, but you are perfect for me right now. I love everything being laid back and relaxed, I love how happy you make me, I just love all of it:]
5. I miss you. Alot, and I am not even quite sure why. haha. I did not even know you for that long when you left, but something about you made quite an impression on me I guess. I know you will be back soon, and when your back, I know I am in for the greatest time ever. haha. You are the funnest guy ever and I know you can always give me a good laugh when I need one. Hope your having fun in college, but I know you are.
6. I feel like Ive lost you from my life completely. I hate it, I miss you and I need you, but our lives are complete polar opposites right now, and on top of that the boyfriends take up alot of our spare time. I hope that we can be best friends still. I really do need you<3

Who even knows.

I have so many fears right now, but then again who doesn't.
Are we all not afraid of something?
Who knows right now. Thats all I have to say.
I mean I worry about alot of things that I'm sure in all reality, are fine.
But even though I know that while I'm worrying, I don't stop.
Senior year is starting to become overwhelming already. And I don't like it one bit.
I'm scared of failure currently,
but why on earth if im scared of failing, do I not start trying harder?
It seems like I have lost all will to put forth effort.
But I guess thats just what they call seinoritous. haha
Today was an all right day.
I still am missing lots of things.
And I still just dont know. haha

procrastination.

i hate the fact that I procrastinate.
haha.
seriously though, if i just did my work right off the bat it would be over and done with by now.
but no.
i have to sit and stare at the word document
and then go on myspace....
and now im writing this. lol
fuck cage.
i just want to eat cinnamon rolls and listen to dane cook.
not write some stupid 2 page paper on an essay thats due tomorrow.
we havent at all had this assignment for 2 weeks.....

shoot dog. lol
oh well.

i had the most amazing time ever with jacob last night.
that kid is wonderful.
no joke.

my head is going to explode.

My head massivly hurts right now.
and I still have an hour left of work.
Today was a pretty busy day until now and now I just want to sleep.
Hopefully when I call Jacob at 5 he will answer so I know if he can hang out or not.
I really hope he can.
I miss him.
I did not talk to him yesterday hardly at all.

Zack came and had lunch with me today on my break.
We had fun.
It was nice to hang out with him for a bit.
I have not seen much of him latley and it sucks.

On another subject...
have you ever felt upset about something that someone has done,
when in reality they have gotten upset at you over the same time,
and you have thought they were rediculus for being upset?
This happened to me today...
and even though I feel it is rediculus and unnessicary to feel this way...
I still do. haha

Donald totaled his car last night.
and when he told me today I freaked in my head.
I feel bad for him because I know exactly how it feels.
and its the worst.
I told him id give him rides to school in the morning if he needed them
because i also know how it feels to have no car. and no rides anywhere.

allright.
peace.
<3

looking back, I cant help but to think, was it really worth it...

Sitting here and thinking back about things always puts me in a weird mood. So much has happened in these past 3 or 4 years. All of it has made me who I am now, but was it honestly worth it? I can say that I fully regret pretty much the entire last few years of my life. I did some shitty things, and lost many amazing people, that I never will fully gain back. Nothing is worth loosing that. Everything I think about seems like a big blur of a dream. I cant believe what I lost...and it is just fully hitting me right now as I'm writing this. I miss my old best friends. Dont get me wrong I love the ones I have now, but I cant not stand not having people like Elise and Zack close to me.
Everything spun out of control and I don't know where it all went. I miss the days of riding to prime time in the suburban blasting new found glory and screaming to it off key. I miss pioneer finally, I miss the Halloween party's, and wearing weird shit and not caring about anything except what was right there in front of me. I miss basketball and volleyball and having the best grades of my class.I miss all the little odd things that I never really remembered until now. And I hate that I will never, ever have that back. Ever. Its hard to not think that is where I am now, really worth loosing all the people and doing all the stuff I did? Do I even like where I am right now?
To the largest extent possible I love where I am right now. I have the greatest friends ever, that I know will be there for me no matter what,a boyfriend who actually cares about me, and a loving family who is there as well. I don't know. I mean I guess I cant live regretting what has always happened. God placed and removed the people in my life that have come and gone, and god also has my life planned out and knows exactly what hes doing, so why do I worry so much. Everything honestly happens for a reason.
I am so moody lately. I hate it. I'm really happy one moment, and the next moment I just want to cry. I don't understand it. I take out my emotions on the people who don't deserve it, on the people who deserve way more than what I can even give them on a good day. Its like right now, I am screaming for help, but only a few people have taken notice, and allot of the people I really need, have just given up and walked away. I don't blame them but I wish they would come back.

Theres the nights insight for you in a nut shell. Im not depressed or even really upset. Im pretty content right now. I just keep thinking about life in general right now, and it led me to all of this. I truley am happy right now, and at this moment in time, I feel like I really am my true self, and thats a wonderful thing. My fear is just that I will loose it in time, like I always seem to do. Im so scared of spiraling back into who I used to be or something just as bad or even worse. Right now, I have most of the people I need to help keep me grounded... and I know that while I have them I will be one hundred percent completely fine. but im afraid they are going to leave me, like everyone else has, and all I can really do is just sit here and hope they dont.

Oh The Working World!

Today has brought me to the conclution that I am so ready to be out in the "real world"
Im sitting at my first day of work right now, and I could not be happier. I thuoght I would not like working all that much, but I needed a job anyway, but after being here, I can tell that will not be the case at all. I absolutley love it here. Every one is really nice, and I love having things to do. I just like working. haha immagine that!

I need to get my grades up. Studying would be nice too. I think the only class I really need to worry about right now is CAGE, and the only thing Im not doing right in there right now is not dong my work or studying. who knows...hm.

Jacob was really sick today. I feel bad for him. He has been so wierd these past few days. I have to just keep telling myself that it has nothing to do with me, but I am so incredibly scared that he hes going to be bored of me soon, or that maybe I did something wrong to make him mad at me. Who knows. He said I did nothing wrong, and that he just feels like hes dying, so I guess Im just worrying about nothing. I guess I will just have to wait and see. I worry about him sometimes....I cant loose him. I cant at all.

perfection?

Where am I even going in life now?
thats what I keep asking myself.
I think I know what I want to do,
but at the sametime I question myself constantly about everything.
This is suppose to be the year to figure out your life,
but for me, it seems to be the year to question everything.
Im scared. Im not going to lie.
I guess I just have to roll with it.
Take things as they come.
I love the fact that Im with Jacob
He is good for me.
I care about him so much.
Everything about our relationship right now is just perfection to me.
And I could not ask for anything better.
At all.
Im so dam lucky:]