frusterating life?

I get frustrated really easily and I hate it.
I think thats the thing I hate about myself most.
I keep getting angry at people that I love, and I wish I could stop myself before I get mad...
but I just cant seem to.

Im frustrated right now with Jacob and I's relationship.
I care about him so much.....
but it seems like we only have "good days" on the weekend.
During the week we are just....I dont know.
I hate it.
Things are OK with us,
and he is obviously doing nothing wrong.
Its just my issue. haha
who knows.

registration for winter quarter is tomorrow.
i dont even know what classes i want to take.
boo.

dreary day.

today is such a boring and gray day.
i dont like it. ive been sitting in an office chair since 9 and I am ready to leave!
work has been really slow today.
i had to stamp and address at least 200 post cards.
it sucked. haha. took me 2 and a half hours i think.
after im out of here,
i think that I am going to Jacobs and we are going to go toa movie and dinner,
and then if my mom lets me I am off to Allisons for the night to celebrate haloween.
whoohoo!
so I guess my day will actually start at 5.
one hour to go....

its also nice to know that you have friends that have got your back.
it makes me feel really safe:]

<3
peaceeee. haha

lets get all this off my mind.

1.I miss you more than fucking anything. I don't think you will ever understand how much you mean to me. I know that my actions have not reflected any kind of care at all, but I swear I still mean what I say. I love you. I really do. I'm pretty sure you still have feelings for me, or at least you did not to long ago, and if you still do, I'm sorry if it hurts you that I'm dating Jacob. At least you like him right? lol
2. I feel like things are silently patching up, but I'm always way off when it comes to you. I hope you are starting to not hate me, because your friendship really means the world to me. I miss us...I miss the way things used to be. I know the loss of it was pretty much my fault, but I really am desperately trying to fix things, i swear.
3. You scare me. I don't even know in what way. You have been on my mind alot lately because out of the middle of no where you entered back into my life. I don't think its necessarily bad, I can see us being fine friends, I just hope you don't get your heart in the wrong place, and I hope that nothing gets ruined more and that no one gets hurt again in the process of what ever is taking place.I know you know this, but I will always care for you.
4. You are basically whats holding me together right now. I had no idea what I was getting into when I was introduced to you. I never would have thought things would have come to this, but words can not explain how thankful I am that they did. You are perfection in my eyes at the moment...maybe you yourself are not perfect, but you are perfect for me right now. I love everything being laid back and relaxed, I love how happy you make me, I just love all of it:]
5. I miss you. Alot, and I am not even quite sure why. haha. I did not even know you for that long when you left, but something about you made quite an impression on me I guess. I know you will be back soon, and when your back, I know I am in for the greatest time ever. haha. You are the funnest guy ever and I know you can always give me a good laugh when I need one. Hope your having fun in college, but I know you are.
6. I feel like Ive lost you from my life completely. I hate it, I miss you and I need you, but our lives are complete polar opposites right now, and on top of that the boyfriends take up alot of our spare time. I hope that we can be best friends still. I really do need you<3

Who even knows.

I have so many fears right now, but then again who doesn't.
Are we all not afraid of something?
Who knows right now. Thats all I have to say.
I mean I worry about alot of things that I'm sure in all reality, are fine.
But even though I know that while I'm worrying, I don't stop.
Senior year is starting to become overwhelming already. And I don't like it one bit.
I'm scared of failure currently,
but why on earth if im scared of failing, do I not start trying harder?
It seems like I have lost all will to put forth effort.
But I guess thats just what they call seinoritous. haha
Today was an all right day.
I still am missing lots of things.
And I still just dont know. haha

procrastination.

i hate the fact that I procrastinate.
haha.
seriously though, if i just did my work right off the bat it would be over and done with by now.
but no.
i have to sit and stare at the word document
and then go on myspace....
and now im writing this. lol
fuck cage.
i just want to eat cinnamon rolls and listen to dane cook.
not write some stupid 2 page paper on an essay thats due tomorrow.
we havent at all had this assignment for 2 weeks.....

shoot dog. lol
oh well.

i had the most amazing time ever with jacob last night.
that kid is wonderful.
no joke.

my head is going to explode.

My head massivly hurts right now.
and I still have an hour left of work.
Today was a pretty busy day until now and now I just want to sleep.
Hopefully when I call Jacob at 5 he will answer so I know if he can hang out or not.
I really hope he can.
I miss him.
I did not talk to him yesterday hardly at all.

Zack came and had lunch with me today on my break.
We had fun.
It was nice to hang out with him for a bit.
I have not seen much of him latley and it sucks.

On another subject...
have you ever felt upset about something that someone has done,
when in reality they have gotten upset at you over the same time,
and you have thought they were rediculus for being upset?
This happened to me today...
and even though I feel it is rediculus and unnessicary to feel this way...
I still do. haha

Donald totaled his car last night.
and when he told me today I freaked in my head.
I feel bad for him because I know exactly how it feels.
and its the worst.
I told him id give him rides to school in the morning if he needed them
because i also know how it feels to have no car. and no rides anywhere.

allright.
peace.
<3

looking back, I cant help but to think, was it really worth it...

Sitting here and thinking back about things always puts me in a weird mood. So much has happened in these past 3 or 4 years. All of it has made me who I am now, but was it honestly worth it? I can say that I fully regret pretty much the entire last few years of my life. I did some shitty things, and lost many amazing people, that I never will fully gain back. Nothing is worth loosing that. Everything I think about seems like a big blur of a dream. I cant believe what I lost...and it is just fully hitting me right now as I'm writing this. I miss my old best friends. Dont get me wrong I love the ones I have now, but I cant not stand not having people like Elise and Zack close to me.
Everything spun out of control and I don't know where it all went. I miss the days of riding to prime time in the suburban blasting new found glory and screaming to it off key. I miss pioneer finally, I miss the Halloween party's, and wearing weird shit and not caring about anything except what was right there in front of me. I miss basketball and volleyball and having the best grades of my class.I miss all the little odd things that I never really remembered until now. And I hate that I will never, ever have that back. Ever. Its hard to not think that is where I am now, really worth loosing all the people and doing all the stuff I did? Do I even like where I am right now?
To the largest extent possible I love where I am right now. I have the greatest friends ever, that I know will be there for me no matter what,a boyfriend who actually cares about me, and a loving family who is there as well. I don't know. I mean I guess I cant live regretting what has always happened. God placed and removed the people in my life that have come and gone, and god also has my life planned out and knows exactly what hes doing, so why do I worry so much. Everything honestly happens for a reason.
I am so moody lately. I hate it. I'm really happy one moment, and the next moment I just want to cry. I don't understand it. I take out my emotions on the people who don't deserve it, on the people who deserve way more than what I can even give them on a good day. Its like right now, I am screaming for help, but only a few people have taken notice, and allot of the people I really need, have just given up and walked away. I don't blame them but I wish they would come back.

Theres the nights insight for you in a nut shell. Im not depressed or even really upset. Im pretty content right now. I just keep thinking about life in general right now, and it led me to all of this. I truley am happy right now, and at this moment in time, I feel like I really am my true self, and thats a wonderful thing. My fear is just that I will loose it in time, like I always seem to do. Im so scared of spiraling back into who I used to be or something just as bad or even worse. Right now, I have most of the people I need to help keep me grounded... and I know that while I have them I will be one hundred percent completely fine. but im afraid they are going to leave me, like everyone else has, and all I can really do is just sit here and hope they dont.

Oh The Working World!

Today has brought me to the conclution that I am so ready to be out in the "real world"
Im sitting at my first day of work right now, and I could not be happier. I thuoght I would not like working all that much, but I needed a job anyway, but after being here, I can tell that will not be the case at all. I absolutley love it here. Every one is really nice, and I love having things to do. I just like working. haha immagine that!

I need to get my grades up. Studying would be nice too. I think the only class I really need to worry about right now is CAGE, and the only thing Im not doing right in there right now is not dong my work or studying. who knows...hm.

Jacob was really sick today. I feel bad for him. He has been so wierd these past few days. I have to just keep telling myself that it has nothing to do with me, but I am so incredibly scared that he hes going to be bored of me soon, or that maybe I did something wrong to make him mad at me. Who knows. He said I did nothing wrong, and that he just feels like hes dying, so I guess Im just worrying about nothing. I guess I will just have to wait and see. I worry about him sometimes....I cant loose him. I cant at all.

perfection?

Where am I even going in life now?
thats what I keep asking myself.
I think I know what I want to do,
but at the sametime I question myself constantly about everything.
This is suppose to be the year to figure out your life,
but for me, it seems to be the year to question everything.
Im scared. Im not going to lie.
I guess I just have to roll with it.
Take things as they come.
I love the fact that Im with Jacob
He is good for me.
I care about him so much.
Everything about our relationship right now is just perfection to me.
And I could not ask for anything better.
At all.
Im so dam lucky:]