haha;

I gave up on this blog,
I feel misunderstood and this blog is full of a year that Id care to forget.
A fresh start in a new town deserves a blog with no memories attatched to it.
Central here I come.


I made a tumblr.
let me know if you want the link.
Ive found its better than blogger.

Dunzo;

Thanks to those who seem to care so much.
I have to say though, alot of what Im sure you have heard is bull.
All though Im sure some of it is true, people seem to think they know what is happening in my life when in all reality, its just rumors you are going off of.

I think I am done with this whole blog,
people in shelton will never see me as what I am becoming,
they will only see me as the person I used to be no matter what I do.
Understandable at that, but Im just sick of it.


I will make new friends and start a better life at school.
I feel like much that I have said has been taken the wrong way.
Sorry for that.

I cant seem to find the right words to tell you;

Why is love something I long for so badly?
It brings heart break, and feelings I know I would rather stay away from.
It seems to be more fight and tears than happiness anyway.
So why do I care?
Why do I long for it to find me?
Why is it though that every time I think I have found it, it goes away?
Everytime I finally let myself go, everytime I fully let someone into my heart, they just disapear.
I just want to feel worth something, it doesn't have to even be labeled love,
I just want someone to care about me, and to show it with their actions and their words.
My actions never show my feelings,
when I try to do good, only bad gets taken from it.
It just sucks so bad to care for someone so much,
yet to have them tell you you don't give a shit at all about them at all.
I really am not a bad person,
I just know what I want. Thats the problem though.
When you have what you want pinned down to a T,
its easy to get frustrated and leave when your not seeing what you want in front of you.
They say love takes work,
but how much more work can I put in?
Times running out for the first time ever and its scaring the hell out of me.
I fear I really have lost my chance at this.
Does it matter? Some times I wonder why I really care.
I need commitment and someone to make me feel like I'm the only one who matters.
I need someone to tell me how they feel. Ive never been good at guessing games.
I'm stubborn, jealous and indesive.
He has always hated me for that.
If it was love wouldn't he love me for that?
Fuck I just don't know anymore.

I think about all of this,
and I think of how badly I want to be in love again,
but at the same time I cant do it.
Nothings the same after what I have gone through this summer.


I have so many thoughts going through my head, and so many things I wish I could get out so badly.
The only problem seems to be that no one knows the whole entire story of my life.
I cant make any one understand what I'm going through because I haven't let any one into to my life completely.
I guess its just fear of their thoughts after they hear everything.
Every things a mess but its done.
Nothing can get worse,
its just up to me to make it better.
And thats what I'm going to do.

This ones for you;

I need a new environment,
I need new friends,
I need a new drive to live,
and I need new hope that I will someday be truly happy again,
and that once I reach that point,
something wont shoot me down.

I cant take every one I care about hurting me like this anymore.
Its breaking me.

Im starting to freak out with how fast summer is slipping away.
I work through the rest of August,
August 29 Im headed to the gorge for Dave Matthews,
the 30th Im going to bumbershoot,
and the 31st at noon I have a flight to Colorado and am there till the seventh.The stress is setting in:/

Growing up is fun, but its alot to handle!

sometimes its just to much;

There has not been to much to say latly so I have not posted anything.
My feelings are the same, they always will be.
Its not that my life sucks, it does not one bit, im lucky to be where I am.
Its just a hard thing to deal with.
Loosing someone so close to you is the worst feeling ever.
It just becomes to much.
Its hard not to be angry at god for all of this, because Im sure as heck angry at the situation.
I just want to know why.
Did he have this planned from the begenning?
There are always so many questions running through my head that I know will never get answered.
I hate it.


Things have been ok.
I got tattoos for Tyler the other day.
The honest to god best decition I ever made.
So many people were against the idea of it,
and allmost everyone I know thinks it was a bad idea and that I will regret doing it later.
I dont care, I know I wont.
I feel so good about it, I love them.
I love him.
I miss him so much, but I know in reality life has to go on, so im trying to smile.
Its what he would have wanted.

I have some amazing friends and family to help me through this too.

wow. lyrics are the best sometimes;

If you wait for me then Ill come for you
Although Ive traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me, if you miss me once in awhile
Then Ill return to you
Ill return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
Ill find my way back to you
If youll be waiting
If you dream of me like I dream of you
In a place thats warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
Ill find my way back to you
If youll be waiting
Ive longed for you and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
Ill find my way back to you
If youll be waiting
Ive longed for you and I have desired
To see your face, your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
Ill find my way back to you
Please say youll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise if its one that you can keep, I vow to come for you
If you wait for me and say youll hold
A place for me in your heart.

If you have time you should watch this;

This is the slide show that Tylers sisters made for his memorial,
he was an amazing guy, and this is the closest any of you will get to meeting him I guess so heres who he was:)

Our Time is Short;

I suppose you could say that things have been semi all right lately.
My life has become more normal again, I just work a lot.
I go through waves of sadness, and I guess that will forever be normal, but its just been hard.
I just miss him and get so angry sometimes thinking of the fact hes really truly gone.
Thanks to all of you who have been there for me,
it really takes a tragedy like this to remind you who your true friends are.
People who I never thought would be there for me have been, and it means the world.
Doing things that remind me of Tyler actually make me feel better, because sometimes I get to the point of panicking when I start to think about things.
I listen to our song everyday more than once for sure,
look at pictures and tell stories to my friends who never got to meet him,
and still do the things we used to do together.
Its nice.
I know I will never get over this, I will always hurt,
but what I am trying my best to do is take what I can from a shitty situation.

In the month I had with Tyler, I learned so much about myself.
I was shown how it feels to be treated like I truly deserve,
and I will never again settle with someone just to try and escape being lonely.
I also realized how important it truly is to treat everyday and everyone like it could be their last.
Never leave a situation angry, always tell those you care about that you love them.
As harsh as it is, you never know when the last time you get to talk to someone could be.
Tyler had such a kind heart, and seemed to be so genuinely nice to everyone,
being with him really taught me how important it is to be nice to everyone I encounter.
His kind hard was proven at his memorial when over 300 people came.
That just proves that he was loving and kind, because so many people truly loved him.

These things do not even begin to describe what I have learned in this past month,
but It kind of sums up the important stuff.

Our time is short, so please, just try to make the best out of your life.
Make a difference.

fuck:( ;

I dont know how to do this.
I cant pretend Im happy much longer.
God, I just want him back.
Why does life have to be un-fair like this.

peaceful;

This has by far and probably will be forever the most extreme experience of my life.
It has been so hard smiling and going on with life,
but all of a sudden I have just been filled with peace and comfort. Its weird.
I think just knowing that I will forever have someone watching over me is comforting.
Tyler was the most amazing person I have ever come in contact with.
He taught me so much about myself in such a small amount of time.
I will have the memories with me forever.
For now I have just realised that I need to life my life and smile and laugh and enjoy myself,
because that's what he would have wanted.
He is up there watching over us,
so I know it must make him sad when we are so upset.



Tyler;
I love you so much.
Although our time was not near long enough, it was the best ever.
You taught me more about myself and life than I had ever learned up to this point all together.
I have a new family, and some connections with some of your friends,
who are all amazing people.
You are loved and missed by many,
and I am going to keep smiling for you.
I promise.

wordless;

words can not describe how sureal my world is right now.
Its like im not in my body and im watching my life happen from a tv screen.
I have never been so.....emotionless yet full of emotion at the same time.
Im just staying at his dads house with his family. Its helpful.
I loved him, but I know he knew it.
For now, I am going to live out all our plans we had and I know he will be with me while I do it.
Let me know if you want to help. Ill need company.
I get his camera and I will be taking millions of pictures for him.

Thanks to all who have been so supportive.
Please dont be worrid if you cant contact me,
my cell has no service here and I will not be anywhere else for awhile

its just a nightmare;

It has to be. I think its over. I don't understand what is going on but the way people are talking its like his plug will be pulled sometime today

Oh Tyler. I don't even know what to say. Things happen so fast and life is so unfair. I am so angry and so confused. I just want to wake up from all of this. He can't be gone. This can't be happening. God has to save him. This hurts so bad.

oh Tyler;

24 hours into his coma currently.
i have never been so terrified.
its like living a bad dream.
sitting there holding his hand while he is so gone,
and so not himself. hes so full of life and love.
i miss his smile, and his kisses, and the way he would text me every single morning calling me sunshine.
i want it back so badly.
im horrified. i have never cried this much. why him?
he does not diserve this


he has to make it.
please pray.

Well I'm on my way

Well I'm on my way to harbor view in Seattle. Please pray for Tyler. He had an accident at work and is on life support. Ill update when Iknowmore

and then there was happiness;

and it feels fantastic.
I feel relieved and alive.
Everything is just feeling right, and Im loving it.

;

i spent the first part of my summer thinking I was in love with someone.
the only problem is I truly was and had been for a very long time, but I took so long to realize it that I lost my chance to have what I wanted.
Technically I did have him, but not in the way I need.
I am not the kind of person who can just hang out and act like Im with some one when we are together,
and then leave and act like Im not with anyone somewhere else.
Its old business that does not need to be done anymore for me. Im beyond it now.
He told me that he would never date me again,
ive accepted it, and to be honest these last few weeks have been murder staying away from him.
but the thinking time was needed.
I will love this boy for a long time,
but I dont think the feelings mutual.
Im accepting that.

So here is to the rest of summer and the new friendships I have made.
Im ready to take it on and be happy with what I have.
So far, im doing pretty good.:)

ill let the lyrics take it for tonight;

Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family.
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

:D
thats my happy face.
and it does not even begin to describe how happy i really am even;

got an amazing tattoo, that makes me reminds me of everything amazing about my uncle,
found someone potentially amazing, who actually has feelings and emotions when we talk,
loving my job, and am making mass tips and amazing friendships
everything is fantastic.

post one hundred;

do I have a life? haha.
work has been amazing, im loving it,
I make over 30 bucks in tips every day I work.
I cant wait until Thursday night, I know time will drag by until then, but it will make it that much better once its here.

Im happy. Being truley happy is the best feeling imaginable.
Tomorrow Im getting a tattoo in memory of my uncle
his birthday was a few days ago and I really miss him alot.
I just feel like it is time to get it, I have been talking about it for awhile but now its time.
Im excited, I made the appointment and put down a deposit today with Houston.
I had not seen him in awhile so that was fun too.

Well Im off to bed.
This last hour I realized even more how great it is again to have some one who treats me like they care: )
peaceeee.

im taking a stab in the dark;

and letting him go. its for the better I think.
really, he did not even seem to mind when I told him.

Ive had an amazing weekend.
I realized a lot of things while experiencing it too.
I'm beyond happy now.
I really think this time around might be different eventually.
I need a nice guy who will be supportive and who will always be there caring for me.
I know I'm leaving for college come September, but I'm just not going to think about it.
Heres to an amazing summer on its way.
its time and Im ready.
because I think Ive found someone I can care for, who will care right back.
all in due time.
I hope.

ive decided;

ive all most reached my limit.
i am annoyed and have no tolerance for your lack of emotions and actions.
care? better start acting like it because honestly,
i cant handle much of this. your friend who you hardly even like gives me more attention,
and acts like they care more than you sometimes.

ugh;

today is not so great.
kinda got ditched for golfing and fishing,
and then found out tristen is thinking of moving to Cali.
but no worries, its not suppose to worry me.


im just grumpy.
tired from work,
and now have nothing to do all night.
I dont know. Latly I have just been wanting something that I cant seem to grasp hold of.
I mean, what girl does not want to fall in love, but honestly thats all I want.
I want to be head over heals in love with someone.
I want to feel the mutual feelings that come from an amazing relationship.
I just cant find that right now, its like its lost somewhere. I hate it.
I know you cant just find something like that,
but Im so tired of trying and failing.
I always get fucked over and I know its because I am to trusting, hopeful and gullible.
Its the only way I know how to be though.
Is this going to be another failure?
Im positive you dont read this sir, but if by chance you do sometime,
give me some hope please. I could really use it.

Where is the love?

Life is to short to be negative all the time.
From now on I am going to try my hardest to be happy with what I have.
I am so blessed to be where I am in life right now.
I have amazing friends and loving family, and a promising future.

I am going to make sure that this is the best summer ever.
I allready know its going to be.
Im done sitting around and being bored.
I am going to do shit, I love going on adventures.
I have friends who will go on them with me for sure,
so here we go.


bahh, i have so much in my head i wish i could put into words.
I have thought about so much stuff this weekend, but its indescribable right now.
I had a good weekend though.
Spent thursday till today in Levenworth with Tristen and his friends.
His buddy got married.
The weekend had its share of akward moments but Im really glad I went.
Once i stoped being so worried and quiet, I had aot of fun. He has nice friends.

Since I dont know what to say, goodnight.

things have been decent;

I got a job at Sunny Day Espresso. Im stoked about that to the extreme haha.
Ive wanted to work there for awhile. Try since sophomore year. So that was nice.
Schools dunzo. Grades were not so hot this semester. No bueno.
Ive got a certain someone back in my life, and I could not be happier.
Things are just chill, if someone would through some nice weather this direction I would be much happier lol.
Im neutral feeling right now, thats not so bad though.
Im headed to Moses Lake tomorrow for someones wedding. Ill be back Sunday.
I hope its fun:)

you terrify me;

Really.
Every thing about you, and or involving you scares the hell out of me.
Most of the time its good, but seriously, its pure insanity.
I hate not knowing whats on your mind, your actions vary by hour sometimes.
I don't know what you want and I wish I did.
All I know is I feel like I'm just chilling out on a limb by myself from time to time.
I love you. You will never know. You will honestly never know.
I don't think I even fully understand what I might have lost,
I hope I did not loose you the way I think I might have.
But you know, I would not be surprised if I did.
You make me feel completely invincible.
and I feel so helpless.

<3
thank you for making me realize everything.

yikes;

you all make me want to scream.
when i say you all I guess I only mean 3 or 4 people.
but seriously.

where do you get off ignoring me after you are the one that made me swear id text YOU later. That makes no since, and i just want to forget about it, yet its all that keeps coming up in my mind.

what makes you think its cool to treat me like shit? Do you expect me to stick around much longer if you keep this up? Because I wont. Big whoop you have a girlfriend, friends don't treat each other like this. If you want one, act like one.

How could you just stop talking to me after things were the way they were, how could you do the things you did, and treat me like you did, and then just stop it all together one day? Im so hurt and frustrated with you. Not to mention done.

People who date see each other more than twice in two weeks. Its just a given. Did we miss that memo somewhere. Seems to me we did. hmmm......

and you, you treat me one way one day, and the change it up the next. I know i fucked up in the past, but this is now, these are my feelings, please, act accordingly. I need you, and my hope is that you need me too. I dont want to play games anymore.


i just want to cry and give up right now.
where are the nice guys who want relationships?
where are the loving friends to stick by my side?
more importantly, where is the happiness i felt a few days ago?

its time;

Driving to school today for some reason made me thing alot about things.
I actually thought to the point that I came to the most extreme realization ever.
I found the things that mean the world to me.

Its the little things that matter;
walks in the rain and wearing giant coats,
making silly faces,
dancing on the side of the road at night to made up rap music,
being taught not to care what other people are thinking,
being pirates and princesses,
climbing into an abandoned house,
going on random adventures all the time,
climbing water towers and sitting in tractors,
making out but laughing while doing so and not taking it seriously,
literally having your breath taken away,
someone driving all night and morning on no sleep, taking stay awake pills, just so see you when they said they would,
being told you look classy when you smoke haha,
walking around downtown oly countless times and sitting in the same spot every time,
feeling like its always the first date,
hiding in portapoties and scaring people when they open the door to use them,
driving back from wild waves,
having rough times, but always coming back to each other,
being in the best company you could possibly have and feeling invincible,
having that one person in your life who makes you feel invincible.

I could go on forever, the fact of the matter is I realized today the most important thing I have realized in probably all of my life;
I have spent the past few years of my life wanting nothing other than to grow up,
when in all reality what I honestly needed and wanted deep down was to be immature.
I need to be a kid, I need to be immature, and I need to have fun.
I can grow up some other time.
Now I am going to be fully happy with what I have.
No more always looking for something different.
I'm going to enjoy the moments and take everything away from them that I can.
I can just be truly happy, and its going to happen.
Thank god I finally realized it.

sometimes;

I wonder if its truly happiness,
or just some false ideas of somethings that are not so good after all.

im terrified for the first time in awhile....

one of these days I should learn to be happy on my own,
because the people that make me happy never seem to stay around that long.

what can you do i guess.

holy shit;

i am done with high school.
never again, will I have to deal with anything related to it.
Graduation was unreal last night.
I will never forget the feeling that got rushed through me as I stepped into the pavilion, and walked to my seat.
I honestly have never felt that alive.
It was just an amazing night.
I got to sit next to Molly, and walk with Zack. I could not have asked for it to be any better.
This is the start of a whole new chapter,
and I am deffinatily ready to take on the world.


good night after too.
Hung out with Zack for a few hours,
we did a bunch of really random retarded things.
Being with him makes me way happy, we are goofs haha.
then I went to Nikos,
random but fun for sure.

other than that.
my freaking tattoo hurts like a mother right now.
my whole arm is sore haha

and it finally happened;

These last 2 days I have realized who the people that mean the most to me are.
Doing running start made me loose touch with most of them,
but the second I see them again, its like no time was lost.
I am so proud of all my friends, and who they are becoming.
They are all so beautiful and so tallented and so loving.
I dont know where I would be with out them.
Its insane to think I will be leaving it all behind next year.
I know in my heart though that the ones that really matter I will not loose despite the distance.
This last week so many people have really been stuck in my head.
Molly, Collin, Sada, Elise Patterson, Kaylee, Ariel, Becca, Emily, Sam, the list goes on.
I just miss them, and am so happy I have such amazing friends.

Its been an insane week so far,
and trust me, it will become even more insane once I wake up tomorrow.

I dont get it;

how can I feel un-easy about you all day,
have you not text me once,
and then when you text me now asking for a ride to work tomorrow, not even saying hi.
I just say yes with out a second thought?

its wierd to me. i dont know why.
i dont think your going to screw me over,
yet at the same time I really am scared its going to happen.
please prove me wrong.
I like doing nice things for you.
I just hope its not like all my other experiences.
I have a feeling its not. I just worry alot.

thankfully;

senior ball was hands down amazing.
it was nice getting to see people I had not seen in forever too.
I dont think I have ever had more fun at a dance, it was definitely a nice dance to have be my last.
thats so crazy to think about. I cant believe its all allmost over. no joke.
i graduate in 4 days. AHHHHHH!
it hasnt fully hit me yet. its intense.
i dont have alot to say really because everything has been perfect lately.
i have no complaints.

seriously now;

its not even Saturday, and I all ready am considering this weekend a winner, BIG time:)
yesterday I picked up a bunch of job applications and spent the night at Elise's.
Today she got a new car, and we picked it up all the way at whidby island.
(might I add its creepy there and thats where the ring was partly filmed : \)
anyway, to sum things up I was basically in some car or another from 7 this morning until I got home at maybe 7:45ish tonight?
lots of sitting, but I actually had fun. I love my best friend!lol
We had to drop the boys off in Renton before we went to get her car for their work training in the morning.
Then we drove there and got her new car and I drove her old car back.
We got to take a ferry back to mukelteo so that was nice not having to drive.
After we got the boys again in Renton though, traffic fucking sucked.
It basically took 3 hours to get from there to Olyimpia.
Casey drove from there back, so luckily I did not have to haha.

anyway.
senior ball tomorrow, im pretty stoked.
live has just been chill lately.
Im loving it.
and, there is a certain boy that is driving me crazy:)
yeah, im pretty stoked about it. haha

oh happy day;

i have nothing to say other than today was one of the greatest days ever.
Nothing even the slightest bit went wrong,
I did not go to class, haha, but it was well worth it.

Im happy and relieved still, and have not felt better about life in along time.
I fixed the friend issue I was having and I have things back to normal with her as well,
every thing is happy and complete right now.

Thank You God. Seriously.
I love where I am right now.
:D

holy crap;

I write to much I know, but honestly the most amazing thing just happened.
The second I posted that last blog, literally the second I hit publish post,
my phone went off and I had the sweetest most random text.
I mean come on, its all most one. I did not expect it.
It was what I needed, it was my reassurance to be honest.
It was like my wave of sadness was lifted, and I felt refreshed and better.
I love random texts.

Also I tend to do this thing where I listen to songs and become obsessed but I never right away take in what the lyrics are saying, well I just turned it on and actually listened,
and they also helped me feel better.
read them;

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put ‘em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead,
If you only could . . .

Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You’d better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say [x24]

i love the timing of things, Im going to get the sleep I need,
i feel like tomorrow will be all right after all.
I feel like this struggle is over finally.

note to self;

i am pathetic.

honestly, who does this?
its funny yet depressing at the same time.
I have done so good up until tonight, all though at the same I have not felt this relieved yet.
Its just been a combination of things.
But tonight, talking to him, I don't know.
I just feel relieved that things are mutually let gone now.
I feel no more anger or hatred,
I just feel calmer about it.

Knowing what I found out tonight,
I cant even begin to comprehend what would have happened had I stayed with him until this year was over.
Everything really would have been different. My whole life would have changed.
Part of me swears right now that that is what I would have needed.
But its not what I got, I chose to let him go.
But its ok, because I know in my heart, and in my head, it was the smartest decision for the both of us.

Being lied to sucks,
im still really hurt about that.
I just cant trust any more, to be honest it feels like I never will be able to again.
finding out i was lied to this time just further proved my fears.
But thats just what they are and nothing more,
fears.
I know deep down I will find someone who will fight them away and prove me wrong.
Its just not my time yet.
and im slowly learning to be ok with that.

But you know, for once in my life im going to let it go.
No matter how I feel its over, in the past, and nothing will change it.
Nothing will change anything accept what is to come.
and Im going to live with that and be content.

that is all.

wow;

You know what the greatest feeling in the world is?
Finding out that the last 8 months of your life was a complete lie.
After getting out of a relationship, finding out that you got completely lied to about things is not the greatest feeling ever.
I actually feel miserable right now.

I'm fucking sick of not being able to trust people.
I just one one time in my life to be able to put trust into someone and have it work out.
Every time I give some one my total trust I get shot in the face.

I'm mad at myself more than anything right now.
Why do I let myself cry over stuff like this?
I just cant stand the fact that everyone lies to me.
I feel like I can never ever put my trust into anyone again.

scratch that;

I think we are ok.
We talked it over, well rather texted it over.
Lets just hope things patched up nicely. It was a misunderstanding I think.
I really do love her.

And I would also like to say that after a week of holding in something huge,
i let it out today. I have never felt so relieved.
I adore Kaylee Harris, and the fact that she listens to me.
I love the feeling of relief.

that is all.
goodnight.

:/

I hate when a friendship becomes awkward all of a sudden and you don't really know why,
yet your afraid to bring it up because if it isn't just you, it might become a bad situation.
I miss our happy times, and I'm so scared of loosing them.
Bah.
Other than this dilemma, things have been so good lately.
I mean, there are always little bits of "drama" here and there, but thats easy to let pass.
over all, things are just perfect, and I'm loving it!
Finally being strong enough to know what you want,
and to stick to everything you plan on carrying through, is a good feeling.
Summer is so close, and I know thats when everything will become invincible.

woah;

Graduation is coming up so quickly, its starting to hit me how soon its all going to change.
Last night was senior awards night, and it wasnt until then that it hit me how real all of this is.
These kids that I have been with since pre-school, are all going their own ways.
We all are,
and chances are, that I will never see most of them again.
Its just mind blowing that these people that have been in and out of my life for 13 some years, will not be around any more.
And even though right now, school seems like my entire life (because it basically has been),
in ten or so years, it will all seem like nothing.

I cant express how ready I am to get out there.
I am applying for jobs like crazy right now.
My ultimate hope is that I will find one within the next 2 weeks or so,
and in a month or so I will have enough money to move out.
Nothing extravagant, just something to let me be independent.
Keiria wants to move out too, so hopefully us and another person can find a cheep place.
Im just ready, I cant stress it enough haha,
like really, im even excited about having my own laundry soap.

Things really have been good lately.

honestly;

I adore the friends I have right now.
they are what is keeping me alive and happy right now.
I have made amazing new friends lately,
and improved the friendships i had let fade.

Things are going good despite the most current down falls.
I miss some things,
but I guess you win some and you loose some.
all I know is im happy with what I have "won" haha

Thank you for being there for me guys.
I love you. Your amazing.


so far, being 18 is amazing.

decent day for sure;

i did not go to piano,
and went to only half of sociology today, i just did not feel like being in school today.
My mind was else where.

Tristen and his friends Shane and Ian and I went up to the mountains to scope out a camping spot for this weekend.
Im not sure if i can go yet but it would be fun if I could.
We went drifting haha that was pretty fun,
and then we went up to the train tressle. it was windy.

I have alot of homework to catch up on these next few days,
its kind of stressful but I will deal.
It was worth a couple of good days skipping class haha
i really needed them for sure.
It made me feel better.

the worst feeling ever;

is when you still are far from being over some one,
and then they basically punch you in the face.
I hate liars. Thats what this comes down to.
I used to be one, and now that I have gotten past that problem,
people who do lie just piss me off.
Im bitter and hurt, and Im sick of it.
I want someone who will be faithful, and who will treat me the way I need to be treated.
I need someone who will be mature enough to take care of me.
I love taking care of my boyfriend, but when thats ALL you do,
you start to feel like a mom not a girlfriend.
Im done with it.
After what got said tonight, I am done and not ever looking back.
Its sad that over 8 months of my life was put into that,
but live and learn I guess.
I just have to fall out of love with him.
I am OVER him, but I still love him if that makes any since.
whatever.

I have people to help get me through this.

on another note;

i dont see at all how breaking up with someone after 8 months makes me a whore.
or even how hanging out with another guy after would label me one either.
The important fact to look at would be that I was with only Jacob for the whole 8 months we were together.
Its not like once you date someone you are destined to marry them right off the bat.
Im a teenager. Break ups happen. Its part of growing up.


think about what whore means before you call me one.
thanks.

I wish I could explain to you;

how terrified I am.
Its not that its a bad thing, but I really am.
It scares me how I feel.
Its so happy and exciting,
but OH MAN.

lame;

Having trust issues is a fatty curse, I swear.
I am scared all the time, and the thought of fully letting someone know every little bit of me,
horrifies me.
Despite how bad I want to completely trust, I just cant.
I have been screwed over so many times in the past that Im afraid it will happen again,
No matter how much I want to trust the other person, even if they have done nothing to make me not trust them.
I scare myself sometimes how freaked out I get over basically nothing.
I hope this time is different.
Correction; this time WILL be different. Because Im going to put everything I have into it.
I have never wanted anything to work more in my life.

On another side of things that make me think to much,
graduation is closer than ever, and Im actually kind of depressed about it.
I through away my whole senior year to college.
Even though I do not regret doing running start,
it has finally hit me that I did not get to be a "senior"
I missed out on being with the kids I spent my whole life with.
I missed out on all the fun things I was looking forward to like senior memories,
and most importantly, I made a decition that lost me the chance to sing at graduation.
That was a big thing for me, obviously choir has been my life for as long as I can remember.
I miss my highschool friends, for the first time in my life,
I feel like I actually have lost them for good. and it makes me sad.

I do love where my life is at right now dont get me wrong.
I feel mature finally, and am really excited to grow up.
but I do miss some things.


good night.
definitely 6 days till by birthday. im stoked.

random thoughts I suppose;

its been a decent week even despite the bi-polar mood swings of a certain someone.
its understandable, and I think we reached a agreement tonight finally.

Im slightly annoyed at stupid annoying sophomore girls who dont even know me, yet find it nessicary to attempt to be nosey in my business. haha whatever. they are dumb.

i finished my math mid-term at 1:30 this morning, and sadly, bombed it haha. wasnt happy about that one.

my birthday is so soon, im super stoked to be 18!
and im going to the drive in tomorrow night! whoo! i havent been in so long.

i miss my friends.
night.

here i go again;

im so tired of people having false opinions of me.
I am all ready aware that half the people that read this are going to laugh and think im so stupid.
i dont care. im just tired of it

Not wanting to be with someone any more does not make you a whore.
buying a expensive dress for a dance does not make you desperate.


im aware of what I used to be, no one has to say mean things to remind me.
I know trust me, i cant change the past,
but i can live for a better future. and I am now.
but what im so tired of is people thinking im the same as I was before who dont even know me now.
ill admit it. I was not a great person ok? Is that what every one is looking for? because i just dont know what to do to make people see any more
i should not care I know,
but Im so sick of people calling me a whore and saying that im selfish and saying all the mean shit they are saying.
please, take a chance to see who I am now,
and then if you say that stuff I guess its a little more justified.

I know that I should only care about what my friends think and say,
but tell me, how should you not care about what the rest of the world sees in you.

its just so defeating to feel so helpless,
and to have something crush your happiness every time you start feeling it again.
and go ahead, laugh and form your opinions. i know most of you will.
goodnight.

haha

at all the people ragging on me.
i actually saved up that money for my dress all year because I knew I wanted a nice dress for the last dance of high school.

basically;

i love enchanted. it was the best movie ever haha.
and, this further proves why John McLaughlin is my favorite ever.

great best friend;

Zack and I were suppose to go to senior ball.
i have been counting down the days. i was so excited.
he calls me today and tells me hes taking allison instead.
like its no big deal or something.
i actually cried when I got home tonight over it.
how cool is that.
well I must say, I did not spend 350 on the most amazing dress in the world to be let down.
ill still have a blast.
fucking ass whole.

never have I;

been so mad and upset, yet so happy at the same time.
ever.
im tired of having my trust violated,
and im tired of fighting.

Yet, being this frustrated,
I have actually had the best 3 days Ive had for as long as I can remember.
Hopefully I can just forget about my frustrations, and have a wonderful day tomorrow.

Attention;

I know who I am.
I have been going through this on going struggle lately feeling like I lost since of who I really am,
but, its over.
I totally know where I'm going in life,
I let go of what I needed to even though it was hard,
and all of a sudden I just knew I had found what I was looking for.
Waking up these past few days has just been, different.
I'm happy to be alive and here in this moment.
I'm happy to be me.

It will all get better in time;

How do you let someone you care about go, with out them thinking you hate them?
No matter how you let someone go, no matter what you say to them, they will not be happy.
There is no easy way.
Even if its for the better.
No matter how many good, smart, and logical reasons I have, of course they wont be looked at that way from the other side.
I just think that when someones life is so messed up,
and when they literally think they hate them selfs,
they need time on their own. They need time to learn to love them self again.

On my side of things,
I miss my friends, I miss doing well in school.
None of this was working while I was in this relationship.
Im not saying I don't love him or that I don't care,
but I just need to be done.
I need to have my old life back again.
I need to find me. I miss her where ever she went.

I feel like a horrible person doing this, i really do.
I know he felt I was the only good thing in his life,
but it can only be about one person for so long.
I suppressed my feelings for so long,
that I forgot how I really felt.
I just became numb to everything on that side of things.
His family is unfortunate to him I know,
and I know he cant help how things are in his household,
but I can only take so much of it before it becomes my problem as well.

I just feel so miserable.
I would rather be dumped,
or even punched in the face.
I would way rather be the miserable person if it ment he was not.
but I just cant help it this time.

All things get better in time.
and everything, EVERYTHING happens for a reason.

seriously;

I love truth boxes, and I love who ever wrote this.
I swear I will find them, and they will be my best friend ever haha:)

"so. i have this crazy feeling that a lot of people take you for something your not. let me tell you. you are the most amazing person i know. when we first met i thought you were going to be a total bitch, pardon my language lol, but i was COMPLETELY wrong. you find a way to totally go out of your way to be nice to people. we dont know each other that well and we arnt best friends, but right now your friendship and support means more to me than any other thing in my life right now. i wish you could understand the impact youv had on my life. thank you so much for being who you are. please dont ever change. =)))))))))"

you may know;

I do these all the time but I swear they help me get thoughts out of my head haha.
here goes another one! You might know who you are, you might not. And fyi, this is not about one person.

• I would have changed everything for you. If you only could have seen it before it was too late. I think about it every day still. Why?
• I just flat out miss you. I feel like this summer is going to be a good one for us, lets hope my feelings are right. Life is just not right with out you.
• I feel more complete with you back in my life. My feelings never have and never will change. Now I know this for sure.
• I don't know what to do with you most of the time now. I am at a severe anger rising halt. I wish you knew what it felt like.
• I think about you alot, there are always the what ifs and the i wonders, I just want to see you truly happy, next year will be great.
• I wish you would leave me alone, this is becoming borderline harassment.
• The conversation we had the other night, although short, honestly made me feel better about my whole entire life. You have a way of doing that, and that is why I love you more than anything. You are hands down amazing.
• Circumstances suck, could you imagine what things might have been like if they were different? Insane I know. Who knows what the years to come might bring.

My head is a mess of emotions all the time now. Its driving me to insanity I swear. I wish someone knew it all, every little single bit. Then maybe this would not be so bad. Who knows.

haha, im happy currently though, just deep in thought all the time I guess.

id have to agree with ali.

I miss this so much!


i hope something goes down this summer,
i really hate the thought of never having this again!

oh, and PS;

i think status wars on myspace are funny,
and I love my wifeeee<3 haha

whoo!

I got accepted to Central today!!!!!!
it is such a load off my shoulders. I'm really excited.
Its definitely another thing making the end of this year seem so much quicker.
I cant believe its all most here.
Big things coming up;
18th birthday
senior ball
graduation

im stoked!

blah.

I had to get a math toutor.
not to happy about this, but at least maybe I will pass math.
That would be a gerat idea.
Jacob and are are not good right now. Difficulties are horrible.
We are suppose to be working through things, but, I dont know.
Im just frusterated constantly.
Tonight should be decent.
At least I would hope so.

heres an idea;

grow up and get over the fact I text my guy friends.
YOU were the one who lost my trust when I found all those messages you sent other girls, hitting on them might I remind you.
YOU were the one who went to Mexico, didn't talk to me for 4ish days, and then brought home 3 girls numbers and tacked them to your wall.

freaking grow up. I can talk to who ever I want, I can have friends.
im so sick of this shit.

zooo!:D

I went to the Zoo today.
it was wonderful. I love going random places with Zack.
No matter what we do it always ends up being an adventure.

Lately I have been thinking to much about everything.
I tend to over think alot sometimes and I guess its starting back up again.
Sometimes its not such a bad thing, but I feel like normally it is in my case.

During the process of getting my dress for senior ball,
it really began to hit me hard that everything is coming to an end soon.
This is it, and its so weird to me. I have been waiting for this day to come for so long,
but it all just seems so un-real to me. Its crazy.

Back to the senior ball subject, its going to be SWEET.
I want it to be sooner, because im wayyyy excited. haha

"they say what dosent kill us makes us who we are"

Its hard to look back at your past and not want to re-do it all.
Its hard to not regret things, and to not become sad over things that you experienced,
but honestly if it came down to it I would not change a thing, no matter how bad it was in reality.
Every little thing that has happened to me has made me the person I am today,
and Ive come to really like that person to be honest. I'm ok with myself now, and thats nice.
Sometimes I think about my current life,
and I realize I really don't know who I am any more.
Not necessarily in a bad way, but just,
this year has moved so fast I have not even had time to think,
and with it moving so fast I seem to have lost since of who I am.
I don't have the same friends, school, or anything.
Its so weird to me that in a blink of an eye my world became so different.
I cant wait for graduation, but do I really want to leave this town?
Its all Ive known.
Everyone has their fears. To be honest this isn't even a fear
just a realization.

I'm excited,
horrifically excited to bust out of this place, and to start the beginning of my life.
I'm ready to be something.

where did they go?

it sucks so bad to wait for something,
and to want something so bad,
and for it to then be weird once you get it.
im tired of putting effort in.
caring so much, and getting nothing back, not even any effort,
hurts.

this has been such a shitty week.
what happened to the good days?

ugh.

everything is sucky right now.
yesterday would have been Jacobs and I 6 months.
he did not even get online like every other night.
I miss him. so freaking much.

Now Im stuck in Bellingham.
until sunday.
and I have so many things to do that I cant now.

but I did get new shoes for the gym when I get back. whoohoo.
im excited to have a gym membership.


whatever im lonley, annoyed and sad.

always love, hate will get the best of you.

i hate feelings.
why do I have to not trust,
why do I get scared.
why do i worry.

i hate my brain

its a never ending argument I think;

I had an amazing weekend at my cousins,
and while I was there I came to the conclusion that she is so lucky.
Her boyfriend and her, will get married for sure,
and he is so good to her, and they are so in love.
She lives with him and she does not pay rent, but his other room mate does,
and he brings her flowers every single week just because she cleans the house.
They are so cute.

I miss being in love all ready as pathetic as that is.
I miss having my boyfriend.
I need to figure out what I want.
Part of me knows that deep down I turned down love because I was afraid of loosing it later,
once I went to college,
but part of me still thinks it was for the best, and I don't need to be in a relationship right now.
Honestly, I have not missed someone this bad for a really really long time.
I cant figure out what all of my conclusions mean.
My heart tells me they mean I need him back, he needs to be mine again,
but my brain is telling me to be an individual for awhile, and that I need to do my own thing,
and that I need to et my life in check.
Its like a never ending tugawar.
I hate it

relaxation time.

Im at my cousins boyfriends house now.
hes away for the weekend so its just us and his other roommate here.
the house is really nice. bit,
pool and a hot tub.
huge tv and all that stuff.
amazing bathroom.
yeah, im excited lol.
A good way to end my spring break for sure.
The drive was ok. really bad traffic past tacoma. but after that not so bad.
im in belvue kind of. close to seattle obviously though.
nada surf concert tonight. im excited.
i get wine too lol whoo.
she said i can drink, just not get drunk haha.
and she said she was going to find me a boyfriend on the street to bring to the concert haha
we have an extra ticket.
shes great.

peace.

are you joking!?

snow...SNOW? you have seriously got to be kidding me haha. insane.
last thing I would have ever expected this morning was to wake up and see snow covering everything.

today was kind of a turn around day for me.
I got ahold of my cousin, and I am going to her house in seattle on friday,
and we are going to a concert at the show box:]

tonight I am going to say goodbye to Zack and give him my camera to borrow.
Hes leaving for Honduras for awhile.
and tomorrow I am meeting up with 2 of my friends from my english class,
and then perhaps meeting up with Jacob since he will be gone all next week in Mexico.

I also finally printed off abunch of CSI papers to help me start my paper which is way past due,
but hey at least its a start right?lol

im off to get ready to leave.
even though my face still feels like ive been hit with a truck,
at least my tummy isnt sick!

man.

Im writing another blog. because i have alot on my mind,
and nothing to do.

Im crying right now.
partly because im in pain,
but partly because im sick of people lying.
and being so fake.
i cant trust very many people,
so that makes it even harder when you find out that one of the few people you did trust,
lied. or says shit that is unacceptable behind your back to a friend they thought they could trust.
i hate immaturity, and the way people say things when they think the other person will never find out.

its even worse, when you cant call the person your mad at out on everything,
because you have to keep secret that you know what they said.
i dont trust anyone hardly anymore.
why does everyone have to be so shifty.
and so freaking un trustworthey


and to you guys,
dont ever tell a girl that you wont persue anything with anyone else,
and then go hit on another girl the next day over myspace.

yet again,

i was promised an adventure today.
it makes me sad to be honest, like I must not be worth the time.
yesterday he said he was free,
and today, I got the "im way to busy."
not even a sorry, or a how about tomorrow before I leave.
meh.

------------------------------------------------------------------
i love this song:


But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way

I wonder if I’ll ever lose my mind
I tried hard for awhile
But then I kinda gave up
Winter is a killer when the sun goes down
"I’m really not as stubborn as I seem,"
Said the knuckle to the concrete

But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way

I’m not saying that I’m giving up
I’m just trying not to think as much as I used to
Cause "never" is a lonely little messed up word
Maybe I’ll get it right some day
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try
I feel helpless for the most part
But I’m learning to open my eyes
And the sad truth of the matter is
I’ll never get over it
But I’m gonna try
To get better and overcome each moment
In my own way

I so want to get back on track
And I’ll do whatever it takes
Even if it kills me

i am so whiney.

today blows.
i want to get out of the house so bad, but my mom wont let me go ANYwhere.
im going insane. i have been stuck on this stupid couch for all most 40 hours,
and Im not allowed to go anywhere else.
I cant even sleep in my bed because my head has to be elevated for 2 days.
I thought for sure my mom would let me go see Tyler today.
After all, I do feel fine.
But no, no bubble tea, mashed potatoes, or movies.
Its not like he isnt moving for LA on monday or anything.

tomorrows easter, and lucky me, i still wont be able to eat solid foods.
im tired of eating mush food. its not satisfying.
all i can eat is mashed potatoes, pudding, liquid soup, and cottage cheese.

im restless and lonley,
and what do you know,
Jacob told me he was coming over today, and just like I predicted ( like every other time minus 3) his mom changed her mind.
this is why things like this dont work.
i should have learned by now to not get my hopes up.

now im here, bored, tasting blood again, and starving.
fuck today.

icky

I got my wisdom teeth out this afternoon.
Im feeling pretty crappy, yet somehow at the same time I feel ok
when the drugs wear off I hurt worse than I ever have in my life,
but currently, I feel dandy.
yey oxycodone. haha.
tomorrow i have a few people that said they were coming over to keep me entertained.
that should be fun.

i hope I dont swell. or bruise.
the doctor said that sometimes it wont happen until 2 or 3 days after

my heart is feeling allright now too currently,
yet it could be the drugs as well haha.

jacob and I are over I suppose.
Its hard hurting someone you still care about so much,
but I think that in the long run, after heart ache is not so bad,
it will have been for the best.
yes, I love him,
but there are many reasons why the relationship just was not working in the end.
hopefully friendship wont be hard to come by.
I still like being around him.

I am so thankful;

I just want to take the time to say right now,
that I am blessed to have the people that love me in my life.
I got into a rut of feeling defeated by life and everyone in it, and after expressing it,
the people who care let me know, and that was what I needed.
Things will always be ok in the end no matter what happens.
Sure everything is messed up right now, but its ok, life cant be great all the time.
I just have to have faith that things will get better.

Two days ago, Zack skipped school and came to my house in the morning and picked me up.
He did not tell me where we were going, he just started driving.
We ended up out past the steel bridge by cushman, at the train tracks that used to be used for logging years ago.
It takes about ten minutes of hiking to get there but it was worth every step.
It is so incredibly beautiful up there. I could not believe it.
We just sat down on the tracks and did not say much,
but for the first time in awhile I felt safe again. Its hard to explain,
but I went through months not having Zack in my life, and it was hard.
He has always been around and has always been there for me,
and when I messed things up with him, I was afraid I would never have him back again.
I do now though. Everything is better and I feel so relieved.
I love Zack more than words can explain.
When I say that, I dont mean I love him the way you probably took it,
I just love him, like I love everyone that matters in my life, but more.

I just am blessed that things are fixed.
Thanks for those who have been there for me, with comforting words.
I appreciate it more than you will ever probably know.

oh my;

How do I always manage to get myself into these messes?
every time, all the time, never have I failed to let this happen, not even once.
one form or another of it always finds its way to me


boo on me.

Having friends again makes me happy.

I have started prioritizing my life,
and for the first time in awhile I feel complete and happy.
Ive been spending time with my family, hanging out and talking with friends,
and getting my school stuff in order.

not to mention read many many books. i had missed reading oddly.

I have been applying for jobs here and there, I need one so badly.
Hopefully the one at alderbrook will work out. I want that the baddest out of all of them.

Collin and I went to Oly today, I had alot of fun. I had missed him like crazy.
I got a new sweat shirt. Its pretty sweet, not going to lie.
Also, Ive Quit High School completely and now am doing full time running start.
Which also means I have the next 2 weeks clear of school,
and allmost all my friends wont be on break until I start the new quarter.
Alex and Morgan are home now though so hopefully I can hang out with them alot.

the change of it all

I think I finally know now what I have to do.
Staying here in this moment, has not and is not going to do me any good at all.
As hard as it is for me to say this, I think that after this week I need to be done with choir.
Everyone seems to think that I am the one who needs to let this go,
and that its my fault others feel the way they do.
I know myself, that this is not the case, but Im tired of fighting and feeling betrayed.
I have nothing left in Shelton that wont stay with me if I choose to leave.
I guess I dont really like the person I am anymore.
I have lost all most every single thing that has been important to my life.
At this point, with less than 3 months left, there is no gaining most of it back.
I think that leaving is the best thing I can do right now.
pretty much everyone that truly cares about me has left Shelton, so why shouldent I.
I dont know if actually moving out of Shelton will work until summer,
but I know that not going to the highschool anymore is a choice I can make.
Im going to talk to my parents tonight about moving, that could go eaither way so we will see what happens.

I just cant take all of this anymore, I have pretended to be happy for to long.
It wears you down after awhile.
Im tired of bending over backwards for the people I call my best friends,
only to fall over, realizing they have walked away.
The one thing I had that I enjoyed doing, has been taken away from me now too.
And thats what kills me. I have been betrayed and let down and I just dont want to sit here and deal with it anymore.
Its breaking me down more and more everyday.

I just wish I could see what everyone else does. I hate that Im blind to it.
Why cant I find someone who will hire me?
Why are all my friends slowly fading away?
Why do my teachers dislike me?
Im just letting people down,
and I need to get away from it because a new start will do no good with people who allready have expiations of me. They will never change.

the thing I have realized from all of this though,
is that despite peoples unchangeable opinions of me,
the one thing I can change is myself, and my surroundings, and my friends.

facing the reality of it all.

I have come to many realizations over this last weekend.
As sad as they make me, I have come to the conclusion that they needed to be brought to my attention now rather than hitting me hard later on.

It seems to me, that when one enters a relationship,
sacrifice is made to keep that relationship healthy and growing.
Maybe its just me, but when I started dating Jacob, all of my free time has gone into driving to see him, or into talking on the phone for hours. For some reason I feel like this is some necessary thing, and if I cant do it I freak out, so in the end I ended up sacrificing alot more than I think really needs to be sacrificed.
I no longer have great relationships with my friends, because as sad as it is to say, I put all of them on hold to spend every free moment of my time with or talking to Jacob. I dont hang out with anyone other then him anymore, because normally he just gets upset if I do.
I also have let my grades drop, because the time I should be doing my homework, has also been spent talking to him on the phone.

Going away to Central for the weekend made me realize a few things.
Not that I did not expect a long distance relationship to be hard or anything,
but now I know for a fact that it will end up being way worse than I thought.
I went to Central to be with my friends that I never get to see.
In my opinion I did not go all the way there to talk on the phone all the time and to text with Jacob constantly.
Thats all he wanted though. Even if I said I was watching a movie, or eating dinner, he still would send me many texts that sometimes were the same one just sent over and over because I was not replying. I was driven insane all weekend.
Even when I told him I was sleeping and I would text him when I woke up he still sent me a bunch of texts that just woke me up, asking if I was awake yet.
I see now that if I go to college with a relationship like this,
I will start this new section of my life sacrafising having friends again. And that is something I am not willing to do.

I see that this is the kind of relationship he wants, but sadly its not what I want at all.
I guess I am not ready to be in such a time committing relationship.
I still need my friends and my family,
and until this weekend was over, I did not realize just how much all of this was true.

my random thoughts for the day.

After I write this post, I will begin to write a letter to my boss explaining why I need to quit.
I really dont like conflict :

I applied to Central.
What if I dont get accepted?

Im really nervous about my english 101 class.
I dont think Im doing to well. I cant afford to get another bad grade.

I am so in love with Jacob. Its insane.
he is my other half, whats going to happen when I go to college next year?

One week untill I go to Central. Im super stoked!
I cant wait to see Alex and Morgan.

I think Molly had to tell her parents about Martin.
Im worried about her. I hope she is OK right now.

I have an ALYVE board meeting tomorrow.
I dont want to go.

I had an interview at Lynch Creak,
I thought it went good but they were suppose to call me by yesterday.:(

Its sunny and Im happy despite the fact that Im at work.
After work, Jacob and I are going to cold stone, and are then going to walk around down town oly.

I miss my Grandpa.

yey

Jacob and I are fine, but I cant help but worry still.
Oh well though.
anyway,
tonight is the last night of NOMT, and am so very sad.
Not just because its the last night of this year,
but its my last one ever.
I doubt I will do the musical in light of everything that is blowing up right now with the misers and Nakhla, so this very well could be my last performance ever.
i think i will end up crying tonight.
haha
the show has been amazing.
we pulled it together so well,
and it turned out better than I could have ever hoped for.
I love our cast. they are amazing.
cast party at my house tonight!!!
whooooohoo!

setbacks suck

god. it sucks so bad when you feel like your doing everything right for once and then you get slapped in the face with something totally unexpected.
Im so unbelievably hirt right now.
For the past 4 months I have done nothing but push other guys away.
I have even gone to the extent of lying to my guy friends about not having texting anymore,
so I dont have to deal with them even talking to me.
I did all this for Jacobs sake.
I care for him so much,
and I just finally felt no need to have any contact with most guys what so ever.
Now come to find out while I spend 4 months doing this,
Jacob has been spending 4 months flirting with other girls.
Im a baby and I guess get my feelings hurt to easily,
but freaking a, im hurt so bad right now.
i just want to go to sleep and cry.

AHHHH:)

I am in shock that NOMT oppens in 5 days. AHHHH. I can't help but get a pannickey feeling of thinking we will not be ready in time. I know it will all be ok though. The show really is going to be amazing. I love the cast, allthough some of them think Im mean for yelling alot, but you know what, its their fault for being immiture and noisy all the time.

Finals are over for highschool, and let me tell you, I have never been more excited to be done with a class ever. No more cage, can I jump for joy now? haha Now I just have two classes of choir, english 101, and yoga twice a week. Im applying for jobs starting Monday. Im excited that I will have time to work durring the week now.

Jacob is wonderful to me still. Its like everything I freaked out on him for, he completley took to heart, and has been working on fixing it. Because it is all fixed. I feel like he is working twards a purpose now, and not just being immiture and stupid all the time. Im so happy rigtht now.

Im really afraid that Molly and I's friendship is going to be messed up after NOMT is over. I love her so freaking much and I hope the stress is not going to make us hate eachother. I think that it will be ok, but Im still praying that friendships wont be lost over this. Im sure it will be fine. For the most part actually, directing NOMT has brought Molly Sam and I so much closer. I have lover every minute of it.

Well Im off in 7 minutes, so I better go shut down the office.

yeahhh!

Its like everyday that my life progresses,
I feel better and better.
Things could not get any better right now I swear.
The boy and I are amazing. Not even kidding,
and NOMT is going so well.
Directing it so far has taught me so much about myself
I feel like it is the first time I have truly been myself around everyone.
Ive made new friends out of it, that are so nice, and it makes me even sadder when I think about graduation.
Its nice to feel like I am a good example, and that people look up to me.'
I adore the freshmen in NOMT this year,
well more so two of them. they are so amazing.
I feel like I have a total grasp on things. I have not missed an assignment yet in English, feel like this is the one class I am going to get the most out of ever.
I like having it with older people.
my new friend Brandon is really nice. Its nice having a change of age in a friend. him being so older, the conversations are different.


Today was the greatest day with Jacob hands down. Ever.
And not to mention he got a car,
and is getting his life in check. I can really feel a change.
im happy for him, and us.

the feeling of relief is amazing

everything was better.
I feel relieved, and Its like I am breathing fully again.
Tonight was just am amazing night. I had a good day along with it actually.
I love my friends. They are finally just really amazing. All of them.
Jacob is better. He honestly took to heart everything I told him.
Even though tonight was not anything special.
It made me feel so much better.
Its the best feeling Ive had in so long.
Im so thankful for all of this.

I feel terrible for Morgan right now though.
I love him so much, and I have seeing him in this much pain,
and not being able to do anything at all makes it that much worse.
I cant even go see him and let him cry on me. I cant to anything at all.
I just wish I could go to Central right now.

F.Y.I :]

Well Jacob just read these. and now I feel bad.
I realized I only have been saying bad things about him lately.
There are good things still too. Honestly.
I care about him so much its not even funny.
This is just where I vent, so my anger gets strewn onto these pages.

ily jacob<3

"I Am"

I am always striving for happiness and am the kind of person who never stops wondering.
I wonder all the time if I'm making the right decitions.
I hear the sunshine singing in the summer.
I see my uncle smiling from above.
I want nothing but to succeed.
I am always striving for happiness and am the kind of person who never stops wondering.

I pretend that I know where I'm going.
I feel like I have a grasp.
I touch the beginning of my life after these next few years.
I worry my final decision is not the best.
I cry at fear or rejection.
I am always striving for happiness, and am the kind of person who never stops wondering.

I understand it will all work out in the end.
I say everything happens for a reason.
I dream of the day it does.
I try to do my best.
I hope it all works out in the end.
I am always striving for happiness and am the kind of person who never stops wondering.





I had to write that for my English class. It had a very specific format and at first I thought it was stupid. Honestly, this class excites me. Its themed on finding "place" where your bioregion is and what it is to you specifically. I think this is going to be really good for me.

i wish you could see.

I wish you could see what you do to me,
how you make me feel sometimes.
When I'm throwing myself at you in the morning,
that just means I love you.
and that I just want to be close to you.
I wish you could see that when I get sad when you make plans on Sunday,
that I just miss you and hate that you are busy on the one day a week I'm free.

Chances are that when I'm mad at you for what you think is nothing,
that I'm really just annoyed with your reply to me saying I miss you alot being "I know".
I wish that you could see that fact that your lucky.
That Ive thought about breaking up with you frequently for about a month now,
but that something has stopped me. That I'm not ready for that.
I wish that you could see that I just need you.
All I need is for you to show me you care.
Like you used to, like I know you truly do.
I just wish you could see.

nows the time

nows the time I start asking myself what I'm even doing.
Do I even know?
I really can't help but ask myself if im only in this for artificial happiness. Somedays I feel like I'm not, but it seems more than most I do. I hate how decitions have to effect everyone around you. I mean, obviously they do. That ones a no brainer, but I really hate that it does.
I dont like hurting people. It makes me feel like crap.
How do you even go about it? Thats what I just dont know.
Now is not the time for me to only be happy sometimes. I diserve to be happy all the time.
And if im not getting that, I know I should get out.

Who even knows anymore.
all I know is im tired.