I think I finally know now what I have to do.
Staying here in this moment, has not and is not going to do me any good at all.
As hard as it is for me to say this, I think that after this week I need to be done with choir.
Everyone seems to think that I am the one who needs to let this go,
and that its my fault others feel the way they do.
I know myself, that this is not the case, but Im tired of fighting and feeling betrayed.
I have nothing left in Shelton that wont stay with me if I choose to leave.
I guess I dont really like the person I am anymore.
I have lost all most every single thing that has been important to my life.
At this point, with less than 3 months left, there is no gaining most of it back.
I think that leaving is the best thing I can do right now.
pretty much everyone that truly cares about me has left Shelton, so why shouldent I.
I dont know if actually moving out of Shelton will work until summer,
but I know that not going to the highschool anymore is a choice I can make.
Im going to talk to my parents tonight about moving, that could go eaither way so we will see what happens.
I just cant take all of this anymore, I have pretended to be happy for to long.
It wears you down after awhile.
Im tired of bending over backwards for the people I call my best friends,
only to fall over, realizing they have walked away.
The one thing I had that I enjoyed doing, has been taken away from me now too.
And thats what kills me. I have been betrayed and let down and I just dont want to sit here and deal with it anymore.
Its breaking me down more and more everyday.
I just wish I could see what everyone else does. I hate that Im blind to it.
Why cant I find someone who will hire me?
Why are all my friends slowly fading away?
Why do my teachers dislike me?
Im just letting people down,
and I need to get away from it because a new start will do no good with people who allready have expiations of me. They will never change.
the thing I have realized from all of this though,
is that despite peoples unchangeable opinions of me,
the one thing I can change is myself, and my surroundings, and my friends.
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2 comments:
that's really sad that it's gotten so bad that even someone like you who loves singing so much doesn't want to be in that choir anymore.
it even makes me frustrated that it turned out this way, and i've never even been in choir.
hopefully, once you graduate and go to college, you'll be able to sing in a choir that doesn't have the same issues the high school's does.
and dealing with the friends issue really takes its toll on you. when i left the high school to do running start, i didn't think i would be pushed so far out of my group of friends that i felt like i had never even been involved. but when i came back to the high school, i realized that even though i did have some really great friends, i don't fit in there anymore and i don't know what's going on because i'm never around anymore.
i guess what i'm trying to get to is that i'm really sorry you're going through all of this, but that you're not all by yourself in feeling this way. just know that things will look up soon.
okay, this is a ridiculously long comment. i think i'll end it now.
PEP TALK TIME!
first off, trying hard to pretend to be happy when you aren't is by far the HARDEST thing to do. it makes you so tired. I mean, have you seen how skinny i am? That's thanks to the last two years pretending to be happy.
second: you didn't let everybody down. No matter how many times people (who are assholes) say that to you, it's not true. AND you have never really let down as many people as you think you have. I am sure that nobody in choir would say that you were the reason for all the drama (collin said that was blamed on you two today. what a giant load of bull). I mean, let's make a list here: me, collin, sam, sada, elise, jacob. WE are your closest friends. NONE of these people feel you have 'let us down'. You haven't let yourself down either. Mr. Nahkla is a hard man to please. This we all know for sure. I mean, he even knows it. He is not your only teacher. Also remember that college professors don't have to give a damn about you so they usually don't. I mean, obviously, they don't want you to get hit by a bus BUT you understand what I mean. Don't let this worry you, baby. You are a bright, beautiful, and talented girl on the very edge of taking off into the world. Get ready for more assholes but also keep in mind that there are actually cool people out in the world. I love you, believe me, but i can't WAIT TO GET OUT OF HERE! I NEED new friends. I mean I love you and i love collin and i love sada and it is going to suck leaving good ole shelton...well not really, it did once but mr. kaka has kinda ruined that whole thing.... i think i'm just trying to say that change is good, being out of choir will help you A LOT, and be excited for the future.... because it is bright.
love you, baby.
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