oh man do i love

oh man do i love pure happiness at 3 something in the morning! Thats all, good night:)

relief to the extreme.

I spent hours typing in a word document today.
Things that I dont need to post here. way to much.
but honestly, I feel good now knowing what I have to do.
Its for the best, and once its done I can resume my life.
I can stop worring so much.
I think Im getting a handle on life again,
and on my happiness.
and thats a good feeling.

oh the joy is over whelming.

haha. I really love the fact that my family cant have a nice christmas ever.
there is always fighting and anger. its getting so old.
every holiday its something different, something else to yell about.
I guess I just have to be thankful that I have a family at all.
This year I really have come to realise that even though it is hard to loose loved ones,
and to watch loved ones get weaker and weaker,
I just have to thank god that the people that are still here are here.
My uncle loved christmas and I think that if he knew we were all sitting here,
depressed and sad because he was gone,
he would probably be mad.
he loved it so much and us even more, so i know he wants us to be celabrating right now,
not mourning.

merry christmas.

here we go again?

Ok so Im frusterated with the boy to the extreme.
He is so not symphethetic and is extremely immiture. I dont know how long I can take it.
I love him, I really do, and I have no idea ow to even break it off if thats what needs to be done.
It would make me sad and I would miss him like woah.
but seriously.

when my uncle died and I called him crying,
I got a "I'm sorry that sucks...anyway, today this one thing happened....."
and then five minutes later he asked if he could call me back later.
That just made me even more upset.

Its just alot of little things like that that are adding up,
and Im begenning to relise the age difference between us is messing things up.
He is just immiture and does not know how to handle things.
for his age thats understandible.
But I really dont need that right now.
at all.
i dont even know what to do.
boooo. haha

sometimes things just dont seem fair.

My uncle/god father passed away yesterday. Its been really hard for me, because 2 months ago, he was a completely happy and health person. It still hasn't really hit me that he is gone. for good.
every Christmas eve of my life we have gone to their house, and this Christmas, its been canceled, and its going to be so hard not being with everyone. Despite the fact that I know he is in a better place, its still hard. I feel the worst for my cousin though. 2 Christmas ago she was pregnant with triplets. She lost all of them, then divorced her husband, then her childhood best friend committed suicide, and then her new husband to be died, and now her dad dies at only 57. Life just hits hard sometimes I guess. She is the strongest person I know so I know she will be all right. But I still feel bad for her.

Also, the boyfriend and I are not doing so good. He keeps being an ass whole, and he will appologise for it everytime, but its just starting to get old. Im just so confused.

Its just way to cold.

My house is so cold tonight. Im not really sure why either. The heat has been on forever. haha. Well, today was good, after all the drama that happened a few days ago. Luckly Jacob and I are fine. He brought me flowers yesterday:]. NOMT auditions are going to be done after tomorrow and then we start casting the show. Im super excited! I kind of want it to snow. Because now college is out until January so I wont have to worrk about getting there when they dont cancel class even though the road to it from shelton is closed. go figure. lol

its almost christmas! I cant wait....
I started christmas shopping today. But I failed. haha
I bought a hair straightner..for my self. what a successful trip that was.

and, my car is semi broken.
it would not start todayy in oly, leaving me to miss after school auditions.
I had to get a jump start. haha
whoohoo

:)honestly,

this weekend has been basically one of the best ones that I can remember.
Yesterday we had no school and I went to Jacobs at like 9.
and then we had a choir thing at 5:30. we sang for the Christmas tree lighting ceremony. haha
it was FREEZING.
but after that me and molly and Sada and ruby went and watched the play at the high school.
It was amazing. I Laughed so hard.
After the play was over we all went to dennys.
molly Collin Sada Allie and Sam Farr.
it was so wonderful being with all of my friends again!
I had not laughed that hard in such a long time.
Then today I worked. It was not bad.
Basically I got paied to study for my math final. haha
then I went to Mollys and worked on NOMT stuff,
but it turned into just talking
and seriously, I really love that girl.
We have so much fun!
Now im at home.
and I cleaned my room.
It even smells really good! lol
and tomorrow Jacob might come over.
yey for a great weekend!

NOMT Auditions start Monday. oh man am I super stoked.
I can not wait for everything to start up.
Its going to be the best (yet most stressful :]) month EVER!

take a second and notice.

For the final time. Im not a slut.
I have come to find that the people that still think I am one, dont know me at all now.
Sure I have made mistakes in the past,
but that was then.
I have made a turn around.
At the end of this summer I finally found out alittle of who I really was.
I have learned to stand my ground and to just let go and be me.
to not get sucked into the temptations of highschool life.
A slut is someone who messes around with a bunch of people all at once or one right after another.
I have been with Jacob for almost 3 months now,
and have stoped talking to almost all other guys in general.

Im content with myself and my life.
I have the greatest group of friends who I have failed to lean on latley,
but now I see it. I see how lucky I am.
They all love me.
They all dont think Im a slut. Why? because they know I have changed.
They really know me for who I am.
and that is wonderful to me.
Its comforting knowing I have people like that.
But unfortunatly not all the people I want to see,
have seen.
There are still a few that only look at how I was,
and dont even bother to look at me now.
When they look at me now, they just see what I was before.

And I think that I need to let it all go.
I need to stop worrying about what they dont see.
There is nothing I can do about it so why waste my energy on worrying.
I guess its their problem not mine.
I dont need to be drug down when allmost everything is perfect.

The littlest things

I love the little things in life that make you incredibly happy.
I really had the best day today. It was so relieving after a few weeks of constant stress.
Slurpies, Basketball, and hot tubbing.
little things mean the world.
Thats all I have to say I guess,
just that today was just the day I needed!

i hate being needy!

I'm needy all the time lately,
I hate being needy!!!
Its so freaking frustrating. not even kidding you.
oh well I guess.

Its raining again and I really hope that it keeps raining so school gets canceled. haha
seriously though.

not like being at school gains me anything.....
or even anyONE. haha
I crack myself up.



mehhh.

I love the snow.

It's snowing!!!!!!!!
Im so freaking excited.
all though my mother seems to not want me to go anywhere when it snows so we will see. haha
Im yet again sitting at work bored. Today is an allright day I suppose.
Got in another pretty bad fight with the parents that resulted in being 15 minutes late to work.
with red eyes because I cried on the way there. haha
Finals are in the next week or so, next week is going to be insane.
I have the most massive ammounts of math homework ever...
and a psyc presentation on wednesday
NOMT Auditions are monday tuesday and wednesday....
i feel like its finaly here....
and all the planning we have done so far is going to finally be put into action soon.
i cant wait for it to all start!

Latley I have been missing all my friends.
i feel like Im for somereason down to like, 3 people I can talk to about my life...
and actually get support in return.
and I can think of 5 or 6 people...
that I have no idea where they went in my life.
its kind of depressing actually. I just miss it all.
but I guess things cant stay the same forever.
people change and grow up.

I am just ready for College, a fresh start with lots of new people.
its finally starting to hit me how soon it actually is.
I take the A.C.T. the first week or so of feb. and then im shipping my application to central off....
along with whatever other applications I fill out.
I must admit Im quite sad that I cant apply to western.
aparently you have to have taken chemistry in highschool to get in
and I deffinatly did not nor do I want to now. haha
but im going to check up on that.