seriously now;

its not even Saturday, and I all ready am considering this weekend a winner, BIG time:)
yesterday I picked up a bunch of job applications and spent the night at Elise's.
Today she got a new car, and we picked it up all the way at whidby island.
(might I add its creepy there and thats where the ring was partly filmed : \)
anyway, to sum things up I was basically in some car or another from 7 this morning until I got home at maybe 7:45ish tonight?
lots of sitting, but I actually had fun. I love my best friend!lol
We had to drop the boys off in Renton before we went to get her car for their work training in the morning.
Then we drove there and got her new car and I drove her old car back.
We got to take a ferry back to mukelteo so that was nice not having to drive.
After we got the boys again in Renton though, traffic fucking sucked.
It basically took 3 hours to get from there to Olyimpia.
Casey drove from there back, so luckily I did not have to haha.

anyway.
senior ball tomorrow, im pretty stoked.
live has just been chill lately.
Im loving it.
and, there is a certain boy that is driving me crazy:)
yeah, im pretty stoked about it. haha

oh happy day;

i have nothing to say other than today was one of the greatest days ever.
Nothing even the slightest bit went wrong,
I did not go to class, haha, but it was well worth it.

Im happy and relieved still, and have not felt better about life in along time.
I fixed the friend issue I was having and I have things back to normal with her as well,
every thing is happy and complete right now.

Thank You God. Seriously.
I love where I am right now.
:D

holy crap;

I write to much I know, but honestly the most amazing thing just happened.
The second I posted that last blog, literally the second I hit publish post,
my phone went off and I had the sweetest most random text.
I mean come on, its all most one. I did not expect it.
It was what I needed, it was my reassurance to be honest.
It was like my wave of sadness was lifted, and I felt refreshed and better.
I love random texts.

Also I tend to do this thing where I listen to songs and become obsessed but I never right away take in what the lyrics are saying, well I just turned it on and actually listened,
and they also helped me feel better.
read them;

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put ‘em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead,
If you only could . . .

Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You’d better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say [x24]

i love the timing of things, Im going to get the sleep I need,
i feel like tomorrow will be all right after all.
I feel like this struggle is over finally.

note to self;

i am pathetic.

honestly, who does this?
its funny yet depressing at the same time.
I have done so good up until tonight, all though at the same I have not felt this relieved yet.
Its just been a combination of things.
But tonight, talking to him, I don't know.
I just feel relieved that things are mutually let gone now.
I feel no more anger or hatred,
I just feel calmer about it.

Knowing what I found out tonight,
I cant even begin to comprehend what would have happened had I stayed with him until this year was over.
Everything really would have been different. My whole life would have changed.
Part of me swears right now that that is what I would have needed.
But its not what I got, I chose to let him go.
But its ok, because I know in my heart, and in my head, it was the smartest decision for the both of us.

Being lied to sucks,
im still really hurt about that.
I just cant trust any more, to be honest it feels like I never will be able to again.
finding out i was lied to this time just further proved my fears.
But thats just what they are and nothing more,
fears.
I know deep down I will find someone who will fight them away and prove me wrong.
Its just not my time yet.
and im slowly learning to be ok with that.

But you know, for once in my life im going to let it go.
No matter how I feel its over, in the past, and nothing will change it.
Nothing will change anything accept what is to come.
and Im going to live with that and be content.

that is all.

wow;

You know what the greatest feeling in the world is?
Finding out that the last 8 months of your life was a complete lie.
After getting out of a relationship, finding out that you got completely lied to about things is not the greatest feeling ever.
I actually feel miserable right now.

I'm fucking sick of not being able to trust people.
I just one one time in my life to be able to put trust into someone and have it work out.
Every time I give some one my total trust I get shot in the face.

I'm mad at myself more than anything right now.
Why do I let myself cry over stuff like this?
I just cant stand the fact that everyone lies to me.
I feel like I can never ever put my trust into anyone again.

scratch that;

I think we are ok.
We talked it over, well rather texted it over.
Lets just hope things patched up nicely. It was a misunderstanding I think.
I really do love her.

And I would also like to say that after a week of holding in something huge,
i let it out today. I have never felt so relieved.
I adore Kaylee Harris, and the fact that she listens to me.
I love the feeling of relief.

that is all.
goodnight.

:/

I hate when a friendship becomes awkward all of a sudden and you don't really know why,
yet your afraid to bring it up because if it isn't just you, it might become a bad situation.
I miss our happy times, and I'm so scared of loosing them.
Bah.
Other than this dilemma, things have been so good lately.
I mean, there are always little bits of "drama" here and there, but thats easy to let pass.
over all, things are just perfect, and I'm loving it!
Finally being strong enough to know what you want,
and to stick to everything you plan on carrying through, is a good feeling.
Summer is so close, and I know thats when everything will become invincible.

woah;

Graduation is coming up so quickly, its starting to hit me how soon its all going to change.
Last night was senior awards night, and it wasnt until then that it hit me how real all of this is.
These kids that I have been with since pre-school, are all going their own ways.
We all are,
and chances are, that I will never see most of them again.
Its just mind blowing that these people that have been in and out of my life for 13 some years, will not be around any more.
And even though right now, school seems like my entire life (because it basically has been),
in ten or so years, it will all seem like nothing.

I cant express how ready I am to get out there.
I am applying for jobs like crazy right now.
My ultimate hope is that I will find one within the next 2 weeks or so,
and in a month or so I will have enough money to move out.
Nothing extravagant, just something to let me be independent.
Keiria wants to move out too, so hopefully us and another person can find a cheep place.
Im just ready, I cant stress it enough haha,
like really, im even excited about having my own laundry soap.

Things really have been good lately.

honestly;

I adore the friends I have right now.
they are what is keeping me alive and happy right now.
I have made amazing new friends lately,
and improved the friendships i had let fade.

Things are going good despite the most current down falls.
I miss some things,
but I guess you win some and you loose some.
all I know is im happy with what I have "won" haha

Thank you for being there for me guys.
I love you. Your amazing.


so far, being 18 is amazing.

decent day for sure;

i did not go to piano,
and went to only half of sociology today, i just did not feel like being in school today.
My mind was else where.

Tristen and his friends Shane and Ian and I went up to the mountains to scope out a camping spot for this weekend.
Im not sure if i can go yet but it would be fun if I could.
We went drifting haha that was pretty fun,
and then we went up to the train tressle. it was windy.

I have alot of homework to catch up on these next few days,
its kind of stressful but I will deal.
It was worth a couple of good days skipping class haha
i really needed them for sure.
It made me feel better.

the worst feeling ever;

is when you still are far from being over some one,
and then they basically punch you in the face.
I hate liars. Thats what this comes down to.
I used to be one, and now that I have gotten past that problem,
people who do lie just piss me off.
Im bitter and hurt, and Im sick of it.
I want someone who will be faithful, and who will treat me the way I need to be treated.
I need someone who will be mature enough to take care of me.
I love taking care of my boyfriend, but when thats ALL you do,
you start to feel like a mom not a girlfriend.
Im done with it.
After what got said tonight, I am done and not ever looking back.
Its sad that over 8 months of my life was put into that,
but live and learn I guess.
I just have to fall out of love with him.
I am OVER him, but I still love him if that makes any since.
whatever.

I have people to help get me through this.

on another note;

i dont see at all how breaking up with someone after 8 months makes me a whore.
or even how hanging out with another guy after would label me one either.
The important fact to look at would be that I was with only Jacob for the whole 8 months we were together.
Its not like once you date someone you are destined to marry them right off the bat.
Im a teenager. Break ups happen. Its part of growing up.


think about what whore means before you call me one.
thanks.

I wish I could explain to you;

how terrified I am.
Its not that its a bad thing, but I really am.
It scares me how I feel.
Its so happy and exciting,
but OH MAN.

lame;

Having trust issues is a fatty curse, I swear.
I am scared all the time, and the thought of fully letting someone know every little bit of me,
horrifies me.
Despite how bad I want to completely trust, I just cant.
I have been screwed over so many times in the past that Im afraid it will happen again,
No matter how much I want to trust the other person, even if they have done nothing to make me not trust them.
I scare myself sometimes how freaked out I get over basically nothing.
I hope this time is different.
Correction; this time WILL be different. Because Im going to put everything I have into it.
I have never wanted anything to work more in my life.

On another side of things that make me think to much,
graduation is closer than ever, and Im actually kind of depressed about it.
I through away my whole senior year to college.
Even though I do not regret doing running start,
it has finally hit me that I did not get to be a "senior"
I missed out on being with the kids I spent my whole life with.
I missed out on all the fun things I was looking forward to like senior memories,
and most importantly, I made a decition that lost me the chance to sing at graduation.
That was a big thing for me, obviously choir has been my life for as long as I can remember.
I miss my highschool friends, for the first time in my life,
I feel like I actually have lost them for good. and it makes me sad.

I do love where my life is at right now dont get me wrong.
I feel mature finally, and am really excited to grow up.
but I do miss some things.


good night.
definitely 6 days till by birthday. im stoked.

random thoughts I suppose;

its been a decent week even despite the bi-polar mood swings of a certain someone.
its understandable, and I think we reached a agreement tonight finally.

Im slightly annoyed at stupid annoying sophomore girls who dont even know me, yet find it nessicary to attempt to be nosey in my business. haha whatever. they are dumb.

i finished my math mid-term at 1:30 this morning, and sadly, bombed it haha. wasnt happy about that one.

my birthday is so soon, im super stoked to be 18!
and im going to the drive in tomorrow night! whoo! i havent been in so long.

i miss my friends.
night.

here i go again;

im so tired of people having false opinions of me.
I am all ready aware that half the people that read this are going to laugh and think im so stupid.
i dont care. im just tired of it

Not wanting to be with someone any more does not make you a whore.
buying a expensive dress for a dance does not make you desperate.


im aware of what I used to be, no one has to say mean things to remind me.
I know trust me, i cant change the past,
but i can live for a better future. and I am now.
but what im so tired of is people thinking im the same as I was before who dont even know me now.
ill admit it. I was not a great person ok? Is that what every one is looking for? because i just dont know what to do to make people see any more
i should not care I know,
but Im so sick of people calling me a whore and saying that im selfish and saying all the mean shit they are saying.
please, take a chance to see who I am now,
and then if you say that stuff I guess its a little more justified.

I know that I should only care about what my friends think and say,
but tell me, how should you not care about what the rest of the world sees in you.

its just so defeating to feel so helpless,
and to have something crush your happiness every time you start feeling it again.
and go ahead, laugh and form your opinions. i know most of you will.
goodnight.

haha

at all the people ragging on me.
i actually saved up that money for my dress all year because I knew I wanted a nice dress for the last dance of high school.

basically;

i love enchanted. it was the best movie ever haha.
and, this further proves why John McLaughlin is my favorite ever.

great best friend;

Zack and I were suppose to go to senior ball.
i have been counting down the days. i was so excited.
he calls me today and tells me hes taking allison instead.
like its no big deal or something.
i actually cried when I got home tonight over it.
how cool is that.
well I must say, I did not spend 350 on the most amazing dress in the world to be let down.
ill still have a blast.
fucking ass whole.

never have I;

been so mad and upset, yet so happy at the same time.
ever.
im tired of having my trust violated,
and im tired of fighting.

Yet, being this frustrated,
I have actually had the best 3 days Ive had for as long as I can remember.
Hopefully I can just forget about my frustrations, and have a wonderful day tomorrow.

Attention;

I know who I am.
I have been going through this on going struggle lately feeling like I lost since of who I really am,
but, its over.
I totally know where I'm going in life,
I let go of what I needed to even though it was hard,
and all of a sudden I just knew I had found what I was looking for.
Waking up these past few days has just been, different.
I'm happy to be alive and here in this moment.
I'm happy to be me.