always love, hate will get the best of you.

i hate feelings.
why do I have to not trust,
why do I get scared.
why do i worry.

i hate my brain

its a never ending argument I think;

I had an amazing weekend at my cousins,
and while I was there I came to the conclusion that she is so lucky.
Her boyfriend and her, will get married for sure,
and he is so good to her, and they are so in love.
She lives with him and she does not pay rent, but his other room mate does,
and he brings her flowers every single week just because she cleans the house.
They are so cute.

I miss being in love all ready as pathetic as that is.
I miss having my boyfriend.
I need to figure out what I want.
Part of me knows that deep down I turned down love because I was afraid of loosing it later,
once I went to college,
but part of me still thinks it was for the best, and I don't need to be in a relationship right now.
Honestly, I have not missed someone this bad for a really really long time.
I cant figure out what all of my conclusions mean.
My heart tells me they mean I need him back, he needs to be mine again,
but my brain is telling me to be an individual for awhile, and that I need to do my own thing,
and that I need to et my life in check.
Its like a never ending tugawar.
I hate it

relaxation time.

Im at my cousins boyfriends house now.
hes away for the weekend so its just us and his other roommate here.
the house is really nice. bit,
pool and a hot tub.
huge tv and all that stuff.
amazing bathroom.
yeah, im excited lol.
A good way to end my spring break for sure.
The drive was ok. really bad traffic past tacoma. but after that not so bad.
im in belvue kind of. close to seattle obviously though.
nada surf concert tonight. im excited.
i get wine too lol whoo.
she said i can drink, just not get drunk haha.
and she said she was going to find me a boyfriend on the street to bring to the concert haha
we have an extra ticket.
shes great.

peace.

are you joking!?

snow...SNOW? you have seriously got to be kidding me haha. insane.
last thing I would have ever expected this morning was to wake up and see snow covering everything.

today was kind of a turn around day for me.
I got ahold of my cousin, and I am going to her house in seattle on friday,
and we are going to a concert at the show box:]

tonight I am going to say goodbye to Zack and give him my camera to borrow.
Hes leaving for Honduras for awhile.
and tomorrow I am meeting up with 2 of my friends from my english class,
and then perhaps meeting up with Jacob since he will be gone all next week in Mexico.

I also finally printed off abunch of CSI papers to help me start my paper which is way past due,
but hey at least its a start right?lol

im off to get ready to leave.
even though my face still feels like ive been hit with a truck,
at least my tummy isnt sick!

man.

Im writing another blog. because i have alot on my mind,
and nothing to do.

Im crying right now.
partly because im in pain,
but partly because im sick of people lying.
and being so fake.
i cant trust very many people,
so that makes it even harder when you find out that one of the few people you did trust,
lied. or says shit that is unacceptable behind your back to a friend they thought they could trust.
i hate immaturity, and the way people say things when they think the other person will never find out.

its even worse, when you cant call the person your mad at out on everything,
because you have to keep secret that you know what they said.
i dont trust anyone hardly anymore.
why does everyone have to be so shifty.
and so freaking un trustworthey


and to you guys,
dont ever tell a girl that you wont persue anything with anyone else,
and then go hit on another girl the next day over myspace.

yet again,

i was promised an adventure today.
it makes me sad to be honest, like I must not be worth the time.
yesterday he said he was free,
and today, I got the "im way to busy."
not even a sorry, or a how about tomorrow before I leave.
meh.

------------------------------------------------------------------
i love this song:


But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way

I wonder if I’ll ever lose my mind
I tried hard for awhile
But then I kinda gave up
Winter is a killer when the sun goes down
"I’m really not as stubborn as I seem,"
Said the knuckle to the concrete

But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way

I’m not saying that I’m giving up
I’m just trying not to think as much as I used to
Cause "never" is a lonely little messed up word
Maybe I’ll get it right some day
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try
I feel helpless for the most part
But I’m learning to open my eyes
And the sad truth of the matter is
I’ll never get over it
But I’m gonna try
To get better and overcome each moment
In my own way

I so want to get back on track
And I’ll do whatever it takes
Even if it kills me

i am so whiney.

today blows.
i want to get out of the house so bad, but my mom wont let me go ANYwhere.
im going insane. i have been stuck on this stupid couch for all most 40 hours,
and Im not allowed to go anywhere else.
I cant even sleep in my bed because my head has to be elevated for 2 days.
I thought for sure my mom would let me go see Tyler today.
After all, I do feel fine.
But no, no bubble tea, mashed potatoes, or movies.
Its not like he isnt moving for LA on monday or anything.

tomorrows easter, and lucky me, i still wont be able to eat solid foods.
im tired of eating mush food. its not satisfying.
all i can eat is mashed potatoes, pudding, liquid soup, and cottage cheese.

im restless and lonley,
and what do you know,
Jacob told me he was coming over today, and just like I predicted ( like every other time minus 3) his mom changed her mind.
this is why things like this dont work.
i should have learned by now to not get my hopes up.

now im here, bored, tasting blood again, and starving.
fuck today.