icky

I got my wisdom teeth out this afternoon.
Im feeling pretty crappy, yet somehow at the same time I feel ok
when the drugs wear off I hurt worse than I ever have in my life,
but currently, I feel dandy.
yey oxycodone. haha.
tomorrow i have a few people that said they were coming over to keep me entertained.
that should be fun.

i hope I dont swell. or bruise.
the doctor said that sometimes it wont happen until 2 or 3 days after

my heart is feeling allright now too currently,
yet it could be the drugs as well haha.

jacob and I are over I suppose.
Its hard hurting someone you still care about so much,
but I think that in the long run, after heart ache is not so bad,
it will have been for the best.
yes, I love him,
but there are many reasons why the relationship just was not working in the end.
hopefully friendship wont be hard to come by.
I still like being around him.

I am so thankful;

I just want to take the time to say right now,
that I am blessed to have the people that love me in my life.
I got into a rut of feeling defeated by life and everyone in it, and after expressing it,
the people who care let me know, and that was what I needed.
Things will always be ok in the end no matter what happens.
Sure everything is messed up right now, but its ok, life cant be great all the time.
I just have to have faith that things will get better.

Two days ago, Zack skipped school and came to my house in the morning and picked me up.
He did not tell me where we were going, he just started driving.
We ended up out past the steel bridge by cushman, at the train tracks that used to be used for logging years ago.
It takes about ten minutes of hiking to get there but it was worth every step.
It is so incredibly beautiful up there. I could not believe it.
We just sat down on the tracks and did not say much,
but for the first time in awhile I felt safe again. Its hard to explain,
but I went through months not having Zack in my life, and it was hard.
He has always been around and has always been there for me,
and when I messed things up with him, I was afraid I would never have him back again.
I do now though. Everything is better and I feel so relieved.
I love Zack more than words can explain.
When I say that, I dont mean I love him the way you probably took it,
I just love him, like I love everyone that matters in my life, but more.

I just am blessed that things are fixed.
Thanks for those who have been there for me, with comforting words.
I appreciate it more than you will ever probably know.

oh my;

How do I always manage to get myself into these messes?
every time, all the time, never have I failed to let this happen, not even once.
one form or another of it always finds its way to me


boo on me.

Having friends again makes me happy.

I have started prioritizing my life,
and for the first time in awhile I feel complete and happy.
Ive been spending time with my family, hanging out and talking with friends,
and getting my school stuff in order.

not to mention read many many books. i had missed reading oddly.

I have been applying for jobs here and there, I need one so badly.
Hopefully the one at alderbrook will work out. I want that the baddest out of all of them.

Collin and I went to Oly today, I had alot of fun. I had missed him like crazy.
I got a new sweat shirt. Its pretty sweet, not going to lie.
Also, Ive Quit High School completely and now am doing full time running start.
Which also means I have the next 2 weeks clear of school,
and allmost all my friends wont be on break until I start the new quarter.
Alex and Morgan are home now though so hopefully I can hang out with them alot.

the change of it all

I think I finally know now what I have to do.
Staying here in this moment, has not and is not going to do me any good at all.
As hard as it is for me to say this, I think that after this week I need to be done with choir.
Everyone seems to think that I am the one who needs to let this go,
and that its my fault others feel the way they do.
I know myself, that this is not the case, but Im tired of fighting and feeling betrayed.
I have nothing left in Shelton that wont stay with me if I choose to leave.
I guess I dont really like the person I am anymore.
I have lost all most every single thing that has been important to my life.
At this point, with less than 3 months left, there is no gaining most of it back.
I think that leaving is the best thing I can do right now.
pretty much everyone that truly cares about me has left Shelton, so why shouldent I.
I dont know if actually moving out of Shelton will work until summer,
but I know that not going to the highschool anymore is a choice I can make.
Im going to talk to my parents tonight about moving, that could go eaither way so we will see what happens.

I just cant take all of this anymore, I have pretended to be happy for to long.
It wears you down after awhile.
Im tired of bending over backwards for the people I call my best friends,
only to fall over, realizing they have walked away.
The one thing I had that I enjoyed doing, has been taken away from me now too.
And thats what kills me. I have been betrayed and let down and I just dont want to sit here and deal with it anymore.
Its breaking me down more and more everyday.

I just wish I could see what everyone else does. I hate that Im blind to it.
Why cant I find someone who will hire me?
Why are all my friends slowly fading away?
Why do my teachers dislike me?
Im just letting people down,
and I need to get away from it because a new start will do no good with people who allready have expiations of me. They will never change.

the thing I have realized from all of this though,
is that despite peoples unchangeable opinions of me,
the one thing I can change is myself, and my surroundings, and my friends.

facing the reality of it all.

I have come to many realizations over this last weekend.
As sad as they make me, I have come to the conclusion that they needed to be brought to my attention now rather than hitting me hard later on.

It seems to me, that when one enters a relationship,
sacrifice is made to keep that relationship healthy and growing.
Maybe its just me, but when I started dating Jacob, all of my free time has gone into driving to see him, or into talking on the phone for hours. For some reason I feel like this is some necessary thing, and if I cant do it I freak out, so in the end I ended up sacrificing alot more than I think really needs to be sacrificed.
I no longer have great relationships with my friends, because as sad as it is to say, I put all of them on hold to spend every free moment of my time with or talking to Jacob. I dont hang out with anyone other then him anymore, because normally he just gets upset if I do.
I also have let my grades drop, because the time I should be doing my homework, has also been spent talking to him on the phone.

Going away to Central for the weekend made me realize a few things.
Not that I did not expect a long distance relationship to be hard or anything,
but now I know for a fact that it will end up being way worse than I thought.
I went to Central to be with my friends that I never get to see.
In my opinion I did not go all the way there to talk on the phone all the time and to text with Jacob constantly.
Thats all he wanted though. Even if I said I was watching a movie, or eating dinner, he still would send me many texts that sometimes were the same one just sent over and over because I was not replying. I was driven insane all weekend.
Even when I told him I was sleeping and I would text him when I woke up he still sent me a bunch of texts that just woke me up, asking if I was awake yet.
I see now that if I go to college with a relationship like this,
I will start this new section of my life sacrafising having friends again. And that is something I am not willing to do.

I see that this is the kind of relationship he wants, but sadly its not what I want at all.
I guess I am not ready to be in such a time committing relationship.
I still need my friends and my family,
and until this weekend was over, I did not realize just how much all of this was true.

my random thoughts for the day.

After I write this post, I will begin to write a letter to my boss explaining why I need to quit.
I really dont like conflict :

I applied to Central.
What if I dont get accepted?

Im really nervous about my english 101 class.
I dont think Im doing to well. I cant afford to get another bad grade.

I am so in love with Jacob. Its insane.
he is my other half, whats going to happen when I go to college next year?

One week untill I go to Central. Im super stoked!
I cant wait to see Alex and Morgan.

I think Molly had to tell her parents about Martin.
Im worried about her. I hope she is OK right now.

I have an ALYVE board meeting tomorrow.
I dont want to go.

I had an interview at Lynch Creak,
I thought it went good but they were suppose to call me by yesterday.:(

Its sunny and Im happy despite the fact that Im at work.
After work, Jacob and I are going to cold stone, and are then going to walk around down town oly.

I miss my Grandpa.